Fourteen Steps to Get the Girl (According to J H Potter)
by paperpotter
Summary: It should be said that Witch Weekly is not a good way to search for tips on how to woo a girl. Sirius Black can unfortunately confirm this.
1. Prologue: Day 0

A/N: So, this is a plot bunny that randomly popped into my head one day after thinking about wacky things that James would try to do, once again, to "win" over Lily. Some parts of this fic will mention one of my previous fanfics, "The Kissing Booth Incident of 1976", but it will not need to be read to understand this story. All you need to know is that James tried (and failed) to hold a kissing booth in the Gryffindor common room on Valentine's Day, 1976.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, and by association Witch Weekly. I'm not sure I would want to own Witch Weekly, either...

o o o

The Witch Weekly Phenomenon_ is _[...] _truly a force to be reckoned with. All over the country, young women are becoming engrossed with the magazine, which boasts quizzes, solutions to household problems, and the unfortunate _Most Charming Smile _award. In truth, however, it is not _Witch Weekly_ that is the problem. It is _Teen Witch_, published by the same founder of Witch Weekly, Tobias Misslethorpe (anyone for pitchforks and fire?)._

Teen Witch _is targeted towards the same audience, but with more unfounded rumors and useless pieces of trivia (who needs to know what Hogwarts house tie fits best with your skin tone? Who cares?). Perhaps I am biased; a daughter spending hours on end poring over the magazine instead of doing something _useful _is a contributing factor to my opinion. _

_However, how can an article that proclaims any man can win over a girl by wooing her in fourteen easy ways be something that is _healthy _for young women to read? Let's face it, a _MEN'S EYES ONLY _headline isn't going to cut it... _

—Excerpt from _The Daily Prophet_, Opinion Section, retrieved from the Hogwarts library

o o o

Sirius Black does not have anything against _Teen Witch_. He really doesn't. He doesn't have a sister who believes everything it says like Peter, or a personal vendetta against it after it printed an article that a werewolf was "completely and utterly harmless" and a "perfect cuddle-buddy" (Remus had grudgingly admitted that yes, it was better than the usual "burn 'em all with silver" opinion, but he was still determined to hate the magazine for the rest of his days).

At this moment, though, he would like nothing more to rip the magazine into pieces and kill whoever had the bright idea to start the magazine (never mind that they're probably dead already).

"James," Sirius says faux-calmly, from his current (extremely uncomfortable) position on the Gryffindor boys' dormitory floor, "Is there a reason that you decided to run into the room screaming about wooing girls and fling a magazine into my head?"

"Look at this!" James shouts, ignoring Sirius, but picking up the magazine. "Look!"

"At what?" Sirius asks, confused. "101 Ways to Spell Away Your Acne?"

"What? No!" James replies.

"Oh! So You Think You're an Arrogant Twat?"

"Wait—Oi!"

Sirius cackles, and James frowns at him. "I'm talking about this," James says, pointing to a large headline in bold that proclaims: FOURTEEN SURE-FIRE WAYS TO GET THE GIRL.

"Isn't _Teen Witch _a magazine for, you know, girls? I didn't know there were so many bi-curious girls in Great Britain," Sirius quips.

"Oh." James pauses. "I didn't think about that. No, wait! Look!" James points at a sickeningly pink headline outfitted with stars and hearts, that proclaims, _SHHH...MEN'S EYES ONLY, PLEASE_.

Sirius bursts out laughing, clutching his stomach. "And they expect to make money off of this? Men? I doubt anyone reading this is ever going to grow facial hair."

"Hey! I read it!"

"Exactly," Sirius drawls.

"You won't talk like that after you read it," James protests. "This article changed my _life_." James shoves the article in Sirius's face again, to his great annoyance. Sirius picks it up, and sighs. He already knows that the only way out of this is murder, and his wand is lost somewhere under the piles of dirty socks and Quidditch magazines.

He skims through it quickly, trying not to gag at each tip, which are all horribly disgusting things like _Give her 99 roses, and say that each one is something beautiful about her _and _Recite the balcony scene from _Romeo &amp; Juliet. He throws it back at James as soon as he can, thinking of cleansing topics such as moldy cheese and lectures about the Goblin Rebellion of 1703 (how many of those were there, anyway? Didn't goblins have things to do besides start riots?).

"See?" James beams. "It's wonderful!"

"How?" Sirius asks. "You want to recite some boring play for fun?"

James gasps over-dramatically. "Sirius, _Romeo &amp; Juliet _is the most romantic play that has been ever written. Granted, I haven't seen it or anything, but just look at the names! They sound romantic enough. I mean, _Juliet_."

"You've finally gotten over Evans? But your rebound is a girl named after elderberries or something?"

"For your information, Juliet _actually_ means youthful. And no, I have not given up on my fair Lily. What do you think these tips were for?"

"Oh, no." Sirius says, shaking his head. "No, you are not going to use advice from a magazine for teenage girls to woo a girl, and you are not going to force me to help you. _Valentine's Day, 1976_, James. Two words: _kissing booth_."

James looks properly chastised for a moment, but then he starts again. "This time will be different. I'm older, wiser, and more experienced. You'll see. You won't regret helping me; I've already gotten Remus and Peter to do it too. Please?"

Sirius doubts Remus would have agreed to that, and even more Peter, after the last incident with the scones and Firewhiskey. Once again, though, he knows there's no arguing with James after he gets an idea into his head.

That doesn't mean that he won't attempt to discourage him, however. "Evans will hate it. She doesn't like girly stuff. Remus said so." Okay, so he's lying. He knows for a fact that her favorite play is something called _As You Like It _by that same Muggle playwright who wrote that Rome and Janet thing (and no, he did not stalk her like James probably does. He simply overheard her talking about it very loudly to one bored-to-death Mary MacDonald.).

James doesn't fall for the bait. "That Shakes guy isn't girly. I mean, he's probably really boring, but I don't think he's girly. Wait, he isn't a girl, right? No, his first name is Bill or something. Unless that's short for Billa?"

"Billa isn't a name, James." Sirius wonders if it's too late to grab a pillow and smother himself with it. Anything would be better than listening to James wax poetic about Evans or go off on another one of his pointless and frankly confusing tirades.

After hearing James muse about the origins of the name "Billa" for a full five minutes, Sirius gives up. "James," he says loudly.

"What?" The person in question pulls himself out of his perplexing thoughts, and turns to Sirius.

"I'll do it," Sirius says.

"You will?" It's almost adorable, watching James look like an excited puppy that finally got his bone, but it's _James _(and frankly, Sirius would rather date one of Hagrid's mutant creatures than James, best friend or not).

"I'll regret it deeply and for the rest of my days, but I will."

"Yes!" James throws a fist in the air. "ThankyousomuchIwillbeyourservantforever."

"But." Sirius says, holding up a finger. "First, you have to get someone to advise you."

"What do you mean?"

"Someone to keep you from making horrible mistakes such as deciding to read that balcony thing or whatever."

"Once again, it's romantic."

"Fine, fine," Sirius replies. "Still, you need someone to help you, and unfortunately, that can't be me, Remus, or Peter, since we obviously have horrible judgement, as proven by our unwise decision to help you."

"Get on with it, Sirius. Who is it?"

"McKinnon," he states simply, and after seeing James's horrified look, adding, "Yes, she'll belittle us and make annoying comments about your Quidditch magazines, Peter's hoarding of unnecessary objects, my hair products (and I do not use too many, thank you very much), and Remus's—well, everything, but she can occasionally be helpful. Very occasionally."

"Fine. What's the second thing?"

"Uphold your end of the bargain. Be my servant for the rest of the year—you know, bring me food from the kitchens, take the blame for stuff, carry me around on one of those wooden chair thingamabobs, and never mention _Teen_ _Witch_ or_ Witch Weekly _again. _Ever_."

"Everything except for the third one."

"Deal," Sirius agrees.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou! You will not regret this!" James cheers, flinging open the door and running out of the dormitory.

Looking after him, Sirius groans, and buries his face in his hands. He makes a silent note to stop making decisions on his own, since he obviously can't be trusted to make them on his own.

A few moments later, the door bursts open again, and he glances up to see a frazzled-looking Remus and Peter.

"You agreed, too?" Remus asks, and Sirius nods. Peter holds up a signed Quidditch poster and a large box of Fudge Flies, while Remus points at something tucked under his arm that resembles records.

"Bribery?" Sirius questions, to which the both of them sigh deeply.

"What did we get ourselves into again?" Peter says to no one in particular, flopping down on his bed and staring at the ceiling.

"Something very, very bad, my friend," Sirius replies grimly. "Something very, very bad."

o o o

So, should I continue? It would be about fifteen or sixteen chapters. Feedback, review, favorite, follow?


	2. Day 1: Flowers are a Girl's Worst Enemy

A/N: This is completely irrelevant, but if you watch the show _Glee_, you would know that there is a character called Sam Evans, who has a blonde Beiber haircut and huge lips. I would like to proudly announce that I have discovered the Asian Sam Evans at my school, with all of the features, including the fact that he has absolutely no game! Ahem. On with the story!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Witch Weekly, any teen magazines of today, or _Romeo and Juliet_. If I did, I definitely wouldn't be using my weekend by streaming episodes of _Glee _on Netflix.

o o o

_Like _Teen Witch_? Subscribe today! Just send out this card by owl post to 95 Diagon Alley, London, England, and get a _free _quill from Scrivenshaft's, located right in Hogsmeade! Only one Galleon and 5 Sickles for a year (12 issues), and just two Galleons for 24! Girls, you won't find a deal like that anywhere else! __—_Retrieved from the Hogwarts library, inside _Teen Witch _issue No. 107

o o o

_Step No. 1: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Therefore, buy her 99 roses! Okay, it's totally __cliché and kind of overused__, but I mean, who doesn't love these thorny flowers? Even better, give her the roses, and tell her that the last one is her! It might not work for everyone, but it did for me! —Rose K., Cardiff, Wales_

"You're going to give her roses?" Sirius asks, staring at James. Unfortunately, James really has decided to put the plan into motion (even more unfortunately, all fourteen steps). Apparently, James has also come to the conclusion that in order to successfully complete the plan, he has to hold meetings in which he will repeatedly bang a gavel against the headboard of his bed and annoy the whole of Gryffindor tower by screaming, "Order! Order!"

Currently, all of the Marauders (and Marlene, who has agreed to Sirius's proposal that she be their slightly insane voice of reason after hundreds of empty promises he's sure she'll somehow remember) are gathered in a corner of the common room, listening to James rant about the injustice of Lily Evans refusing to love him back.

"No. Of course not!" James replies. Just as Sirius is about to let out a sigh of relief, though, he continues. "That wouldn't work with her name! I'm getting _99 lilies. _Get it?"

Sirius unfortunately does.

"James, I don't think that's a good idea," Peter says, and Sirius smiles gratefully at him. "For all you know, she could hate lilies. Or maybe she just hates flowers in general. I mean, I don't really like roses, since I accidentally grabbed a handful of them when I was five and ended up with a palm full of thorns."

"Why would she hate lilies? They're her namesake," James asks, confused. "I don't hate the person I'm named after. Well, he's dead already, and I don't actually think you should hate the dead—"

"Yes, Potter, you don't hate your great-great-great-great second uncle or whatever. Nobody cares," Marlene interjects. "Can we get on with this already?"

"What do you have to do that's so important?" Remus asks. "You could leave right now, if you want to. I wouldn't mind at all."

"Oh, you might not, but your little friend here might," Marlene says, pointing at Sirius. "You know, he practically _begged_ me to come here. Didn't want to be stuck alone with you."

"Really? He _begged_? Or do you just love inserting yourself into everything without asking anyone else if you can?"

"Black, didn't you say that I just _needed_ to come here to help Potter with whatever crisis he has today?"

"Yes, Sirius, did you say that?" Remus fixes him with a cold glare, and Sirius contemplates what option would be better; take Marlene's side and risk being celibate for the rest of his life, or stand by Remus and end up having his entire body mutilated.

"Don't you think we should move on from this?" Peter says to no one in particular. "We all know that you hate each other. I don't really want to see a reenactment of the Goblin Rebellion of 1678 today."

"Come on, let's listen to Peter!" Sirius tries, with another look that could rival Medusa's from Remus.

Surprisingly, it's James that saves Sirius's soul, with a "Hello? I'm the one who called this meeting!"

Marlene sighs, looking annoyed, but surprisingly listens to James. "Fine, Potter. Continue explaining how your future wife can't hate flowers because you don't hate your dead half-goblin uncle."

"Future wife," James sighs, apparently ignoring the dead half-goblin part. "Ahem. As I was saying, my dear Evans will not hate the lilies, and will instead fall in love with me after seeing their beauty and vague smell of perfume."

"Okay, James, I think we got the point," Peter says. "Let's just get some lilies and give it to her, and then we can be done."

o o o

Unfortunately, it turns out that procuring 99 lilies is harder than it seems. James had somehow neglected the fact that it was _March _and the ground was still scattered with snow, never mind the fact that they were supposed to find flowers in full bloom, rendering his plan to pick lilies from the grounds useless.

Remus's idea was to simply transfigure the lilies from twigs, which could have worked, but the resulting flowers looked slightly brown and dull, and smelled of must and dirt instead of their normal aroma.

Peter had suggested they go to Hogsmeade and buy flowers, but as it was, _Dogweed and Deathcap _did _not_ carry any form of lilies, despite the fact that Sirius spotted at least five bubotubers, a Chinese Chomping Cabbage, and even what seemed to be a young Devil's Snare, which the shopkeeper quickly hurried the five of them away from after seeing Marlene poking many of the plants.

Marlene had laughed, and said that if they expected her to find a way for them to get lilies in Hogwarts, they were all insane, and she was only there so she could laugh and point at them when they failed, like a good person should.

Sirius, fed up, finally offers a, "Why don't we just use the transfigured lilies in the garbage?" He sneaks a glance at Remus, who is currently in the process of throwing away yet another failed flower (it actually looks quite normal to Sirius, but apparently it isn't perfect enough for Remus).

"Just look at them!" Remus says, waving a hand over them. "This one is bright _blue_, this one literally smells like shit, and—oh, that one actually isn't that bad."

"See? They're usable. Remus, if you say that these aren't good enough again," he says, casting a dark look at his friend, "I will personally disembowel you from frustration caused by your strange need for complete and utter perfection. I don't think I can stand to stay in this "meeting" any longer."

"Fine," Remus huffs, picking the lilies out of the garbage. "If she throws up because of them, though, I'm blaming it on you."

"She won't throw up, right?" James asks, looking worried.

"I don't think so," Peter replies. "Unless you give her the one Remus says smelled like actual shit."

For the next hour, they busy themselves by gathering up all the lilies Remus deems acceptable (or, in his words, "Salvageable."), and transfiguring new lilies. Marlene reluctantly shows them how to make the lilies smell like—well, lilies, and for a while, Sirius figures this might not be _too _horrible.

Then, of course, James goes into panic mode. "How will I do this?" he moans. "Who thought this was a good idea?"

"You," Remus says simply.

"Arghh!" James cries. "How do I give them to her? I can't just walk up to her, it isn't _special _enough! No, I'll write her a poem! What rhymes with hurt? Curt! No, flirt!"

"Stop, James," Remus says, holding up a hand. "You're giving us all a headache, and frankly, you're a horrible poet who thinks he knows how to write. The smallest things are the most meaningful."

"That's good!" James says. "Can you repeat that? The smallest things are the best, right?"

"No, James, you've completely misunderstood my meaning _again_."

Once again, though, James ignores everyone, and proceeds to write out a horrible rambling thing that manages to talk about orbs, fire, and rejection in the same sentence without any semblance of coherency at all.

"There," he announces triumphantly when he finally puts down his quill. "You are the lily of my orb, the fiery headed beauty who manages to captivate me with a single punch—"

Marlene bursts out laughing, but James continues reading. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I fell in love with you the first day I saw you, when you sat next to Snivellus and ignored the grease of his hair dripping on your sweater. I loved you even more when you told me I wasn't the worst person in the world in fourth year—"

"Please stop," Peter groans, clapping his hands over his ears.

"You are the most perfect specimen on earth, far superior to any unicorn or fairy. I love you, and hope that you will accept this gift from me to you. These are 99 lilies, each one being something I love about you, and you, my dear Lily Evans, are the hundredth thing."

"Done?" Sirius asks. James nods happily.

"It's great, isn't it?" James asks, puffing out his chest. "This is my best work by far."

"If this is your best work, I would _not _want to hear your worst," Marlene replies.

"James," Remus says, "I'm sorry to break it to you, but that is first and foremost not a poem, and also something I strongly suggest you burn immediately."

"None of you understand true art," James sniffs. "She will love the lilies and the poem—"

"It isn't a poem!"

"—and by definition she will also fall in love with me, and I will be the happiest man on earth."

"If she falls in love with you, you won't continue with the plan, right?" Peter asks hopefully.

"Of course I'll continue with the plan!" James replies, scandalized. "How else will I keep her interested in me?"

"Wait, so we have to do every single one of the steps?" Sirius asks, his mouth dropping open. "No. Nope. I'm not doing it."

"You agreed," James says. "Remember?" Sirius, unfortunately, does.

o o o

"She's coming!" James hisses. "Everyone, hide!"

"You do realize you're the one who has their head peeking outside of the wall, right?" Marlene says. James has also decided that the gift must be as unexpected and spontaneous as possible, so Sirius is currently hiding in a very cramped corner, blocked by a wall.

"You remember the plan, right?" James asks worriedly. "I'll give everything to her, while you guys act as backup and don't do anything. Okay?"

He gets a chorus of whatevers, fines, and "If we don't have to do anything, why can't we just leave?".

"Great!" James says chipperly. "She's coming, she's coming! She's walking with MacDonald, they're talking, she's coming closer—now!"

"Lily!" James says, jumping out from behind the wall. Unfortunately for him, Evans simply keeps walking with MacDonald, talking about spring or something.

"Evans!" James calls. "Oi, Evans!"

"What do you want, Potter?" she sighs, exasperated. "If this is another request to go with me to Hogsmeade, my answer, as it always has been, is no."

"No, no, it isn't about that—well, it sort of is—but it isn't that!" James stammers. "Here! Happy birthday!"

"It isn't my birthday," Evans says. "If this is another one of your pranks—"

"No, no, it isn't! Look! Flowers!" James points at the flowers frantically. "And look! I wrote a poem for you! This isn't a prank! See? I can prove it to you!"

"You don't need to, Potter," she says, stepping back from a flailing James, but taking the flowers and the poem. "These actually don't look that bad. Where did you get these? Lilies aren't in season, after all."

"Oh, I transfigured them from twigs, boxes, you know."

"He transfigured them?" Remus whispers furiously. "At least he could have given me some credit. I slaved over those flowers, and he can't even acknowledge the fact that I _created _them?"

"Shut up, Lupin," Marlene says. "I'm trying to observe Potter attempting to flirt with Evans. It's like watching someone kick themselves in the crotch."

"Figures that would be what amuses you," Remus mutters, and Marlene shushes him again.

"Pretty decent spell work," Evans says, sniffing the flowers. "Oh. Wow. What is that smell?"

"Um, I don't really know," James says sheepishly. "McKinnon used some sort of a spell. Do you need help?" Evans seems to be waving a hand in the air, as if to get rid of a bad scent (which, Sirius realizes, is probably it).

"I just don't really like this smell," she says, sneezing. "What spell did she use?"

"Something like _Odor Perrie? Odor_ _Perseus_? I don't really remember."

"_Odor__ persici_?" Evans asks, her eyes widening. "Oh. Oh, Merlin." Her face starts growing steadily redder, and her lips seem to swell up.

"You idiot!" MacDonald yells, reminding Sirius of her presence. "That spell was banned for a reason! Breathe, Lily, breathe," she adds, steadying her voice.

"I didn't cast it!" James protests. "McKinnon did the work!" He covers his mouth quickly after he says it, looking worried, but Evans doesn't seem to be paying attention. If anything, she looks like she's about to pass out.

"It was your idea, wasn't it?" James doesn't argue. Sirius gulps. He thought that Evans was bad enough; he had no idea she had a twin with brown hair and a name that began with "Ma" and ended in "ry".

"Idiot!" MacDonald screams again, but seems to be paying more attention to Evans. "Lily, we need to get you to Madame Pomfrey. Can you walk?"

Evans nods weakly, and MacDonald pulls her by the arm down the hallway, the former swaying steadily.

"You're an idiot, Potter," MacDonald says again, still walking away with Evans. James groans, and leans his head on the wall.

"Well, that went well," Peter says sarcastically. "Maybe next time you can get her a chimera for a pet."

o o o

So, how was it? Feedback, review, favorite, follow? If you would like, you can leave suggestions for the next step in the plan in the reviews section!


	3. Day 2: Sgt Potter's Serenading Choir

A/N: This chapter is proof I have been watching too much _Glee_. Just like last time, I'll be accepting requests for the next step in James's plan in the reviews section! And yes, _Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds _is apparently about drugs. On another note, I have also found a Rachel Berry at my school, while my friend discovered an Asian Sirius Black.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, lipstick, The Beatles or any songs by them, the Happy Birthday song, or the act of singing. Because no one owns singing. Besides singers. I think.

o o o

_Five Lipstick Dos and Don'ts for Every Girl:_

_1)_ Do _use red lipstick. It works on everyone. Just a little goes a long way, though; you don't want to end up looking like a clown!_

_2) _Don't_ be afraid to use magic! You don't want to accidentally charm _away _your lips, of course, but some shine makes your lips look even more kissable!_

_3) _Don't_ settle for just lipstick. Why not add some mascara and eyeliner to spice it up? Just make sure your colors go together, because no one wants to have bright red lips, _way _too pink blush, and electric blue eyeliner._

_4) _Do _carry around a mirror to know when to head for the bathroom and reapply your lipstick. How will anyone see how gorgeous you are if all your makeup's gone already?_

_5) _Do _be confident and sure that you'll look beautiful. Chances are, with these lipstick tips, you'll have wizards knocking down your door to ask you to Hogsmeade until your graduation day. _

—Retrieved from the Hogwarts library, _Teen Witch Issue No. 267_

o o o

_Step No. 2: Sing, sing, sing! Girls love a guy with an amazing voice, so serenade her with a classic like _Yesterday _or _Girl_. It works every time! —Dani L., Birmingham, England_

"You can't sing," Sirius says, in response to James's dramatic reading of Step 2, in which he had drawn out each word and attempted to belt out the former of the songs (attempted being the key word).

"Yes, I can!" James protests weakly.

"Prongs, I'm sorry, but you really can't," Peter says. "I've heard you in the shower. By the way, McKinnon told me that if you didn't keep it down, she would sneak into our dorm in the middle of the night, cut off your vocal cords, then feed them to the Giant Squid."

James gulps, but quickly regains his composure and sits up straight. "Clearly, none of you appreciate my talent. Therefore, I have decided to _not_ in fact sing, and instead have the three of you sing! Great, right?"

Sirius stares blankly at him. "I don't think I want to know what your idea of great is."

"We could all be horrible singers," Remus says, adding in his two cents. "I mean, I could be tone deaf or something."

"Good point," James says, leading Sirius to breathe a sigh of relief (and he thought 99 lilies were bad). "Wait! I'll have the three of you audition, and if you can sing, all three of you will help me serenade Evans!"

"We can always fail the audition thing on purpose," Peter whispers to Sirius, who nods almost imperceptibly in agreement.

"Oh, no, I heard that," James says, pointing a finger at Peter. "You are all going to sing the best that you possibly can at James Potter's First Official Serenading Choir Auditions_—_"

"That exists?"

"_—_and you will then proceed to sing to Evans while I make her fall in love with me using a combination of my wit and good looks."

"That's impossible," Sirius says, wishing (for once) that Marlene was here to bring James down using a combination of words and physical violence. "By the way, where's Marlene?"

"Remus was supposed to tell her we were meeting in the dormitory today," Peter replies. "You did, right?"

"I might have purposely forgotten to invite her," Remus says with a shrug. "What? We all know that she would have dragged this thing out and made it painful for everyone. Sirius, I'm sorry, but you're the only person here who doesn't think she's a complete bitch."

"Did someone say bitch?" Marlene asks, sauntering into the room. "That's my name, Lupin, don't wear it out." She plops onto the floor, ignoring Remus's look of annoyance.

"Well, isn't this a happy little party," she says. "I wouldn't have taken the time to ask a first year where you were if I had known it would be this boring. By the way, the little Gryffindor minions this year really should have been sorted into Hufflepuff. That girl practically burst into tears when she saw me."

"Maybe you scared her. I mean, I would be afraid of a psycho pseudo-bitch too."

"You did not just go there, Lupin. I have a few _interesting_ spells that I think would work perfectly with you as the test subject—"

"Can we not go through this again?" Peter sighs. "I have a Charms essay that I'm only halfway done with, and it's due Tuesday."

Marlene rolls her eyes, but thankfully, she stops arguing with Remus, and settles for glaring at him instead.

"As I was saying before, I am requiring the three—sorry, McKinnon, but your voice just wouldn't fit with theirs_—_of you to be in my Serenading Choir, as long as you prove your worthiness at the auditions, which you are not allowed to purposely fail. I'll be watching closely." James says. "That should cover everything. Now, you have five minutes to pick an audition song, and sing it loud!"

"Wait, what?" Sirius asks, but James, as usual, ignores him (sometimes, he wonders if he's deaf in one ear or something), and continues to talk.

"Ready, set, go!" James says, looking far too cheerful for someone who is practically forcing his friends to take place in a singing contest, of all things. "Five minutes on the clock! Four minutes and 59 seconds now! 58 seconds! 57 seconds!"

"Shut up, Potter, or I'll make good on that promise to rip out your vocal cords and feed them to my friend Squidy," Marlene snaps. "I'm sure he's very hungry after a long winter of no human flesh of any kind."

James does indeed stop talking, but he instead mouths the words over-dramatically. As a result, instead of actually thinking of a song he could sing (since he's resigned himself to becoming part of the Singing Chorus, or whatever), he spends the five minutes trying not to burst out laughing at James.

"Time's up!" James says brightly. "Pete, you go first!"

"Me?" Peter squeaks. "Um, I don't really have a song or anything yet—"

"You should! What are you waiting for? Start singing!"

Peter gulps, and Sirius both feels sorry for him and extremely grateful that he isn't in that position.

"Um," Peter stammers. "Uh."

"Start!" James says impatiently, tapping his foot. "Sing anything."

"Er,_ Hoggy Hoggy Hogwarts, teach us something please_?" Peter tries, his voice wavering. "_Whether we be old or bold or young with scabby knees. Our heads could do with filling, with some interesting stuff, for now they're bare and full of air_—that's all I know."

"Something else! Something you actually _remember_."

"_Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday insertnamehere, happy birthday to you_." Peter sings, cutting off quickly at the end. "Done."

"Bravo," Marlene says dryly.

James is of a different opinion, apparently. "You actually aren't half bad. Pretty ace, really."

"Coming from someone who can't sing a scale, I don't think that's really a good judgement," Remus whispers to Sirius, who stifles a smile.

"Next!" James calls.

"We're in the same room, you don't have to do that," Sirius sighs.

"Well, since you seem so eager, why don't you go?" James says. "I'm not joking. Go."

"I don't have a song," Sirius protests.

"Neither did Peter, and he did fine. Go!"

His mind is actually completely blank of appropriate songs to sing, despite what James might believe. He doubts that he can remember the lyrics to the entire school song either, even though he sings it at the beginning of every year. A Beatles song could work, especially since they're probably going to sing one anyway, but once again, he doesn't know half the lyrics.

Still, he gives it his best shot, and takes a deep breath. "_When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be_."

He struggles to remember the next few lines, but it turns out he doesn't have to.

"Huh," Marlene says, staring at him. "You never told me you could actually _sing_."

"Everyone can sing," he shrugs. "It isn't anything special."

"But you're actually kind of good," Peter says.

"You're in," James says. "You're like the next coming of Celestina Warbeck or something."

"I really don't think that's a good thing," Sirius replies. James seems to brush it off, though, and congratulates him a second time.

Then, James silently fixes his gaze on Remus.

"Fine," the boy sighs. "I knew it was coming anyway. Let's get it over with."

Remus opens his mouth, and starts to sing. Sirius doesn't recognize the song—the most he knows of Muggle music is The Beatles—but the one thing he does know is that it sounds _amazing_. Remus's voice is clear, and kind of high, but it sounds like something out of a dream, even though he seems to be singing a rock song of sorts.

After he finally stops singing (apparently,_ he_ knows all the lyrics to the song), the room is silent. Looking around, Sirius can see that James's mouth has dropped open, Marlene is looking at Remus with something that seems to be _approval_, and Peter just looks stunned.

"What?" Remus asks self-consciously.

"Merlin," James breathes. "You sound like a girl."

"Thank you for the compliment," Remus says, rolling his eyes.

"No, no, that's a good thing!" James protests. "You're amazing. Fabulous. _Perfect_."

"No, I'm just not completely tone-deaf," Remus replies, but James isn't listening at all. Instead, he still seems to be staring at Remus in wonder.

"You! You are a _star_. You—"

"Just want for you to shut up already and tell us what to do now," Remus finishes. "Seriously, James, I'm not_ that_ good."

"No, you are," James insists. "I have made my decision. You're in!"

"That doesn't exactly seem to be an awe-inspiring feat, considering every one of us is apparently a part of your choir. We didn't even need to have these "auditions"."

"Now that we have our choir," James says, ignoring Remus once again, "We have to pick a song. Now, I already have a long list of suggestions, including but not limited to _Here Comes the Sun_, _Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, _and _I Am the Walrus_."

"I'm going to stop you right there, Potter, and say something that you won't like, but you frankly need. One of those songs is about the sun, one is about drugs, and the other seems like it was written when Lennon was on drugs. Also, why The Beatles? Do you even listen to anything else?"

"These songs are all completely romantic and perfect," James replies stubbornly. "McKinnon, if you can't hear that, then you're the one that's deaf."

"At least take out _Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds_," Marlene says. "I'm your advisor, and if you want me to advise you right now, I suggest you throw that one out. The lyrics might be fine, but I really can't believe that you thought a song with LSD in the title would be good to sing to a girl."

"LSD? What's that?" James asks, confused. "Is that a shampoo brand?"

"Oh, you poor, oblivious little Pureblood," Marlene sighs. Sirius thinks that's a bit unfair. After all, he knows what LSD is, and he's a Pureblood. To be fair, he only knows the definition of it, and the only person he can think of that might be on it is the Divination professor.

"It's a drug," Remus explains. "It's a drug, and Lily would kill you if you sang about it to her."

"Oh," James says, his shoulders slumping. "We can do _I Am the Walrus_, right?"

"Actually—" Marlene starts, but Peter interrupts her.

"That's a great idea, James! Wonderful!"

Sirius looks at Peter questionably, to which Peter mouths _"Charms. Essay. Must. Write."_, and he nods in understanding. The faster they pick a song, the faster they sing it, and the more time Sirius has to actually do things he enjoys.

o o o

"No, no, no!" Marlene says crossly, after the second failed run-through of _Mister City Policeman sitting, pretty little policemen in a row_. "The rhythm is completely wrong, and I suggest you listen to what I say, Potter, even if you aren't singing and want to stand in front and recite love poems or something, instead of ignoring me and yakking about love and happiness. Also, once again, _this is not a love song_."

"Whatever," James sniffs. "My dear Lily loves this song."

"Potter, it won't work, no matter how much you want it to," Marlene says. "Pick an actual love song. Do _All You Need is Love_. Lily will appreciate it more than a song about walruses and eggheads."

"Fine," James huffs. "_All You Need is Love_. From the top, then!"

"Dictator," Sirius grumbles under his breath. Still, he joins Peter and Remus in singing _Love, love, love_, and is happy to realize that they sound a lot better on it than they had on _I Am the Walrus_.

"See?" Marlene says smugly. "This works. If you don't mess it up somehow—which you probably will—Lily might not actually kill you!"

"Yeah, yeah," James says. They run the song a few more times, with James adding input that is usually unneeded, and Marlene changing his bad advice into something actually doable.

"I think we're good," James says, looking over the three of them. "I still think that some of it could use work, but as Remus informed me kindly five minutes ago, you all have better things to do than help me serenade my one true love."

Apparently, this time, the serenade will take place in the common room, for all to see (Sirius doubts that any of the third years will ever be threatened by him again, which means that he has to actually start buying his own Jelly Slugs instead of just giving the little wimps his money and having them sneak out to Hogsmeade and buy it for him.).

James's great plan is for them to descend the staircase leading to the common room greatly, with James leading, the three of them at the back, singing, and all of them looking extremely happy to be partaking in the serenade. Really, the only problem is the last part. Sirius is almost certain his face has frozen in his smile that looks more like a grimace than anything else.

Still, he grits his teeth and sings with Remus and Peter the opening lines of the song, while James makes exaggerated gestures and looks lovestruck (he doesn't think it's an act, either, which makes it all the more disgusting).

"_Nothing you can make that can't be made_," they sing, as James lip-syncs along and points at a bewildered Lily Evans, who is sits up unnaturally straight in her armchair.

Finally, they sing the last _Love is all you need_, with James finishing in a pose straight out of _Extreme Idiots: Hogwarts Edition_.

Slowly, the room begins do clap, with a few "Whoo!"s and "Go, James!" added in. Evans, however, does not look impressed.

"Really, Potter?" she asks, walking up to James. "You decide to sing the most overrated song of this decade to me, in front of a quarter of Hogwarts. What are you trying to do?"

"Huh?"

"I spent an hour in the hospital wing yesterday while Madame Pomfrey tried to erase the damage caused by your lilies. Whatever prank you're trying to pull, I'm not falling for it. And if you aren't trying to fool me again—well, I'm not easy. I'm not going to be lured in by a bunch of mutant flowers and a cheesy song." With that, she walks away, tossing her long red hair.

"Well, you can definitely cross "Become a rock star" off of your "Careers that Would Impress Lily Evans" list," Peter says.

o o o

So, how was it? Review, favorite, follow?


	4. Day 3: The Green-Eyed Monster

A/N: Ah, jealousy. It shows up in practically every book I've read, and every TV show/movie I've ever watched, so of course I had to include it in this story somewhere! Also, Oblivious!Sirius is in here for your reading pleasure. Once again, feel free to add requests for the next steps in the comments!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or the emotion (it is an emotion, right?) of jealousy.

Quote of the Day: "I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm popular." *Everyone moves away from her* (I'm sorry, but _Mean Girls _is perfection.)

o o o

_Is it Curtain Call for Your Favorite Wrock Bands? _

_Wrock (Wizarding rock, for those who have been living under an actual rock for their entire life) has been slowly fading away for almost ten years now, since thousands of young teens flocked to famous Muggle band The Beatles. Part of this may come from notable magazines such as _Witch Weekly _and _Teen Witch_, the latter of which often bemoans the lack of "smokin' hot new singers" and compares older bands such as the Hobgoblins to Muggle groups like "Queen". (Continued on Page B2)_

—Retrieved from _The Daily Prophet, _Entertainment Section

o o o

_One word__—J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y. Fire up the old green-eyed monster, girls! —Julia P., London, England_

"You want to make her jealous?" Sirius cocks his head at James. "But she doesn't like you. She'd probably be relieved you won't be chasing after her anymore. And who would you use to make her jealous?"

"Um," James says, shifting uncomfortably on his bed in the Gryffindor boy's dormitory. "Uh."

"Hello?" Marlene says, waving a hand in front of James's face. "Making other people jealous isn't just a hobby, it's my _job_. Besides, being friends with Little Miss Prefect got boring two hours ago, when she informed me that she threw out five packs of my Player's No. 6 because the smell made her feel sick. It wasn't like I was smoking on her bed or anything."

"You're going to be James's fake girlfriend? For free?" Peter looks dubious, and for good reason. Sirius can't remember the last time Marlene did anything out of pure unselfishness (he had to give up five Galleons just to get her to _attend _ these "meetings").

"Did you miss the part where she threw out my cigarettes?" Marlene crosses her arms over her chest. "Also, I'd like to see if Potter's a worse kisser than Sirius here. My guess is yes, since I doubt he's even gotten closer than five feet to a girl's face before."

"Jealousy doesn't work," Remus says flatly. "It backfires every single time, and no one sane would ever take the bait."

"Really, Lupin?" Marlene says, a dangerous smile on her face. "We'll see about that."

A second later, she's next to Sirius, and her lips are on his. He sputters for a second, flailing, but gives in to the kiss after he comes close to giving himself a concussion by falling head-first onto the floor. Marlene _is _a decent kisser, and it's a lot better than their last kiss and the time Bertha Jorkins tried to swallow him whole. Plus, her lip gloss tastes like strawberry, which he's always kind of liked. And _oh_, that's her tongue in his mouth, and this really shouldn't feel that good, especially since it's his frankly terrifying best (and really, only) girl friend.

Finally, she pulls away, leaving Sirius red-faced and gasping for breath. James looks stunned, Peter just looks embarrassed for everyone, and Remus—Remus is _gone. _As in completely absent from his spot on the wooden floor.

"See?" Marlene says. "Jealousy works." She does look slightly remorseful, though, but all Sirius can think of is Remus (the angry, bitter expression on his face), and before he knows it, he's out the door, too, ignoring James's "Hey! Step Three is still in motion!"

He looks around the common room, searching for the familiar brown head.

"Oi, Evans!" he calls, his eyes landing on her long red hair. "Seen Remus anywhere?"

"He left a few moments ago, if you must know. I would guess he's heading for the library," she says coolly. "What did you do this time, Black?"

He ignores her, even though (no, especially because) she's right, and why didn't he stop Marlene from kissing him, and why did Remus care, anyway? He couldn't hate Marlene that much, right? It wasn't as if she had done anything all that wrong by kissing him, even if he didn't understand what that had to do with jealousy. Was Remus in love with Marlene? Was Marlene in love with _Remus_? It would make some sense, like the fact that they always argued for no reason, which was apparently a sign of romantic compatibility.

Sirius runs all the way to the library, barely stopping when he knocks over a tiny blonde Ravenclaw and only has time to call out a "Sorry!" before he's running again. He enters the room out of breath and panting heavily, and Madame Pince looks at him exasperatedly before bringing a finger up to her lips and "Shh!"-ing in a way that makes it clear she is extremely displeased at this turn of events.

He finds Remus at one of the tables, sitting across from a redheaded boy who is sound asleep, complete with loud snores that Madame Pince apparently doesn't particularly care about silencing, his head buried in a book that seems both chock-full of information and extremely boring.

Sliding into the seat next to him, Sirius whispers an "Oi," which Remus seems determined to ignore.

"Hey," he tries again. "Are you mad?"

"No," Remus says sarcastically. "Why would I be mad? It has nothing to do with the fact that McKinnon shoved her tongue down your throat and you seemed completely happy about it."

"You really do like her, don't you," Sirius says quietly.

"Huh?" Remus looks confused for a moment, which then confuses Sirius, because he is in love with her, isn't he?

"Marlene," he elaborates. "I figured it out. You're in love with her!" He says the last part just a little too loudly, prompting Pince to give him a death glare that could rival Medusa's.

"Oh. Um, yeah. Totally."

"You and James can double date, then! As long as you keep Evans and Marlene from killing each other. Or you keep yourself from killing her!" Remus snorts at the last part.

"Definitely. I'll go on a date where McKinnon threatens to kill everyone in the word in horrible ways and James shows off his muscles to Lily."

"Why do you still call her that? I mean, you do like her, right?"

"I like her. Yeah." Remus almost looks pained saying the words, which leads to Sirius giving another one of his "Huh?" stares at him, before he explains further. "I was scared what you would do if you found out. I mean, I've been pretending to hate her all this time."

"Yeah! You're an ace actor, mate."

"Thanks."

"So, will you come back now?" Sirius asks. "I mean, I promise to keep Marlene from kissing me again, even if it is impossible to resist this." He sweeps a hand over his body exaggeratedly and flips his hair like he's in one of those Muggle shampoo ads.

Remus laughs loudly, and at another indignant "Shh!" from Pince, Sirius decides that they should leave before both of them are killed by her and her probable army of evil books.

When they get back to the dormitory, James lets out a huge and most likely fake sigh. "Finally. We can finally get on with Step Three."

Sirius gives Remus a huge wink when the boy sits down next to Marlene, which Remus returns with an expression that clearly says "What am I going to do with you.".

The meeting seems to continue exactly where it left off, with it finally being decided that Marlene will pretend to be James's girlfriend for the rest of the day, and break it off in full view of the school after Evans becomes jealous (which Sirius expects to happen in approximately 2000 light years).

Apparently, the first course of action is for the two to walk into the common room hand in hand, Marlene clutching James like her life depends on it and James giving her fake heart-eyes.

"Potter!" Evans calls, and James whispers to Sirius, "See, this won't take long at all."

"You've finally decided to stop chasing after me?" she continues.

"Yep," James replies. "I am now happily in love with my beautiful girlfriend Marlene McKinnon, who is definitely a real girlfriend and not a prop because she is a person I am in love with."

"Great," Evans says slowly. "It seems as if you've finally grown up. My congratulations to the both of you. I guess this means you won't be asking me to Hogsmeade any more, right?"

"Yes," James says. "You aren't upset about it or anything, right?"

"Upset?" she echoes. "This is the best day of my life! See, Mary? I told you he'd stop chasing after me eventually."

James looks crushed, and Sirius feels bad for him for a moment before realizing that this means that they still have at least another step to go through.

"Oh." Evans's apparent happiness doesn't seem to discourage James completely, though. Marlene and James spend the next hour cuddling in front of Evans, Marlene pulling playfully at James's hair while he gazes adoringly at her. Sirius could actually believe the entire charade was real if Marlene didn't pretend to gag herself every time Evans turned away.

Thirty more minutes after that, though, Marlene seems to get even more bored, and extracts herself from James's death grip. Five minutes later, she's flirting with a confused Caradoc Dearborn, who keeps glancing over nervously at James, who is gazing adoringly at an oblivious Lily Evans.

Sirius, from his perch next to Remus on a checkered armchair, can hear every word Marlene is saying.

"So, Car," she says, "How come I don't see you here a lot?"

"Um," the tall sandy-haired boy says, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "I've been studying for the N.E.W.T.s. I mean, I really want to be a Healer, so I have to get either 'Exceeds Expectations' or 'Outstanding' in practically all the core classes."

"Ooh, a seventh year," Marlene practically purrs. "Smart, too."

"Er, don't you have a boyfriend?"

"Oh, we just got together today, so we aren't exclusive or anything," she says flippantly. "You look like you'd be a lot better for me than him, though. I can already tell."

"Does he know that?" Caradoc tries again, trying to fend off her advances. "Maybe he really likes you."

"He's in love with that girl over there. So why can't we do that?" Sirius doesn't bother listening after that, as he can already see Caradoc giving in.

He brings James's attention to the matter quickly, though, just in case he still expects her to play along.

"She can do what she wants," he says, practically drooling over the sheer excitement of being so close to Evans.

At that comment, the redhead actually starts paying attention to James. "What do you mean you don't care what she does? Do you have an open relationship or something?"

"Huh? We're not together," James says, still dazed from her actually talking to him. Sirius practically wants to shake James, because he just ruined the whole step with that one sentence (not that he cared. He was only watching because Remus was reading some dull Muggle poetry collection and Peter was talking to a pretty fifth-year about baking or something.).

"You aren't together? What?"

"No, no, we're definitely together!" James backtracks. "We're boyfriend and girlfriend, completely and utterly in love!"

"I heard you," she replies defiantly. "You aren't together at all. This is just a front you're putting on to make me jealous or some other thing to get me to go to Hogsmeade with you. Well, I can tell you one thing, Potter, and that is that I would never be so petty as to steal another girl's boyfriend, so everything you tried to do today just failed."

With that, she talks quietly to Mary MacDonald for a moment, before the other girl nods in response and the two walk out of the common room, while James tries to work out what just happened. Sirius explains the events silently to Peter and Remus, who somehow understand his gestures and mouthed words, and join Sirius next to James.

"Tough luck again, mate," Peter sighs. "Do you think that would work with Hestia Jones, though?"

o o o

So, how was it? Feedback, review, favorite, follow? Sorry for the slightly shorter chapter. Next week: _Romeo and Juliet_.


	5. Day 4: To Be or Not to Be (An Idiot)

A/N: I'm still accepting requests for steps in the plan! I have most of the story planned out and written (at least in my head) already, but the last four steps are still in progress! I apologize in advance for the mangled Shakespeare in this chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or _Romeo and Juliet_. I'm just a teenage girl who barely her _own _copies of Harry Potter.

Quote of the Day: Just because I hate everyone doesn't mean they have to hate me, too! (and this is why Santana Lopez is my favorite girl _Glee _character.)

o o o

**_What House Colors Look Best on You (Quiz)?_**

_We all know that Sortings are based on your character, the way you think, and where you would truly fit in best. However, one of the most important things is making sure you don't clash with your new uniform; no one wants to look like a walking advertisement for _Slug and Jigger's _new color-changing potion. Of course, even if you've already been sorted, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take this quiz!_

_Question No. 1) What is the color of your hair?_

_a) Blonde. Like, practically invisible._

_b) Brown so dark it looks like black. It matches my cauldron. _

_c) Regular, ol' brown. _

_d) Fiery red. The color of a shiny apple. _

_e) A mixture of two or more of the above. _

_Question No. 2) What is your favorite color (let's be honest, that you actually look good in)?_

_a) Blue._

_b) Red._

_c) Yellow._

_d) Green._

_e) Other. You're unique!_

—Retrieved from the Hogwarts library, _Teen Witch _issue No. 102

o o o

_Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Read her the famous balcony scene from_ Romeo and Juliet_;_ _after all, who can resist the most romantic play of all time? __—_Viola O., Dublin, Ireland

The worst way to wake up, Sirius decides, is to have the two words screamed into your ear five times and a pillow flung at your head. He groans, and rolls over (because if James expects him to wake up after that, he is even more insane than Sirius thought he was). He was in the middle of a really good dream. There had been singing puppets and ice cream. One of the puppets had been particularly dashing, too. In fact, he had the same hair Sirius currently had, was wearing the exact same pajamas, and had even possessed Sirius's impeccable bone structure.

"Go 'way," he mumbles, and turns his head away from his best friend that he currently would like to murder in increasingly painful ways.

James doesn't seem to get the hint, though. "Wake up, Padfoot! It's morning!"

"The room is pitch-black and seeing that I'm still sleeping, it definitely isn't morning yet," he hears Remus mumble.

"It is exactly 3:39 in the morning, you aren't sleeping since you just said something and I know for a fact you don't talk in your sleep like Peter does, and the room isn't dark anymore!" Sirius winces as James turns on a light, and squeezes his eyes shut to avoid inadvertently becoming blinded.

Reluctantly, he opens his eyes, and sees Remus get out of bed and slump down on the floor next to it, Peter still sound asleep and actually snoring (he could be faking, of course, but Sirius doesn't think that Peter's that good an actor), and James looking far too cheerful for a person who woke up voluntarily at three in the morning.

"I realized that today is a weekday," James says chipperly.

"Good for you, James, you aren't an idiot," Remus grumbles. "Can you close the light now so I can go back to sleep?"

"Today is a weekday, and we have classes, so we have to do today's step this morning, since I haven't done any of my homework yet and I have to write four essays tonight."

"Or we can skip today's step and do it tomorrow," Remus suggests. "And this morning—you don't mean now, do you?"

"No, not now," James laughs. "What, do you think I'm an idiot?"

"Yes," Peter mumbles quietly, but James either pretends to not or actually doesn't hear him.

"No, we will be completing Step Four today at breakfast," James says. "Today's step is—drumroll, please—the balcony scene from _Romeo and Juliet_! What's that?"

Remus begins to laugh, but stops when he sees James's face. "You actually don't know what that is?"

James shakes his head, and Remus sighs. "Do you know what it is, Sirius, Peter?"

"Isn't that the play where a guy gets turned into a donkey and there's a love square?" Peter asks, while Sirius simply answers with an "Er, nope. No idea."

"You're talking about _A Midsummer's Night Dream, _Pete, but at least you know who Shakespeare _is_." Remus glares daggers at James and Sirius, who shrink back.

"_Romeo and Juliet _is one of William Shakespeare's, a famous Muggle playwright, most famous tragedies, and is about two star-crossed lovers who each commit suicide after learning about the death or supposed death of the other. Their respective deaths bring their warring families together, and the balcony scene is one of the most well-known parts of the entire play. Personally, I don't believe that it is extremely romantic, and would rather think of it as a satire, due to the many ways Shakespeare appears to make fun of the "romance" of Romeo and Juliet." Remus explains.

"Huh?" James asks, looking confused. "Can you explain that, you know, in English?"

"Two people fall in love, they can't be together, and they die in the end." Remus says curtly.

"Oh! So it's like me and Evans, minus the whole dying part, since we'll obviously be together forever and have seven children named Liesl, Friedrich, Louisa, Kurt, Brigitta, Marta, and Gretl." James says happily.

"Right," Remus says slowly. "Anyway, if you really want to do this step, you're going to have to memorize the balcony scene in the next five hours, just in time for breakfast."

"So we're actually doing this? At three in the morning?" Peter asks, a betrayed look on his face. "But I thought you were on our side! I can't function properly without ten hours of sleep! You're still on my side, right, Sirius?"

"It's me and you against them now, Pete," Sirius sighs, putting an arm around Peter's shoulder. "We're going to have to come up with a plan. Jelly-Legs Jinx on three, and then we'll force them back into their beds using our pillows?"

Peter nods, a valiant look on his face, but before they can proceed with their (completely brilliant) plan, Remus intervenes.

"No one's hexing anyone, Sirius," Remus says. "We're going to help James learn the balcony scene so he can recite it at breakfast in front of Lily, so we can do whatever we want and need to do after classes today instead of doing a step then, which would cut into my homework time the fourth day in a row."

"You have homework time?" Sirius guffaws, but Remus ignores him (he wonders if he's been taking lessons with James).

"Luckily for you, James, I have a collection of Shakespeare's most popular plays in my trunk, in case I would ever need it for a report, as the Hogwarts library is ridiculously devoid of Muggle literature," Remus says, rummaging through said trunk. "Extra ink, Charms essay, Honeydukes's Best (Extra Dark), _The Great Gatsby_—aha!"

Remus holds out a huge book that looks like the only thing keeping it together is a combination of Spellotape and sheer determination.

He flips through the pages, finally stopping somewhere in the middle of the book. "Here's the balcony scene," Remus declares. "I doubt you would be able to recite the whole thing without willing participation from Lily, so you should memorize from _But, soft! _to _That I might touch that cheek!_"

"Who talks like that?" Peter whispers to Sirius.

"Insane old people," he says back.

o o o

By the time morning actually arrives, Sirius feels as if he actually might collapse on the spot. Remus is apparently serious when he says that James has to memorize the balcony scene in five hours, and forces both him and Peter to listen to James stumble over "vestal livery" and "as daylight doth a lamp".

Finally, at 7:01, Remus decides that James's recitation won't get any better, and allows Sirius to sleep for ten more minutes before James, who doesn't seem to feel tired at all, jumps on his bed and crushes Sirius, leading to a pillow fight which Peter breaks up by telling them that James has a Potions paper due in three hours, and the only words on the paper are "according to".

After James scribbles down the last word, he announces that they have to get to breakfast early in order for James to mentally prepare himself and make his speech as romantic as possible.

"But you don't understand a word of it," Peter says, confused. "How are you going to make it romantic?"

"I'll point!" James says. "Pointing makes everything romantic!"

Remus chooses to ignore James's statement, and clears his throat. "James, how are you going to _do _your recitation? Are you going to go up to Lily and just say the whole thing to her?"

"Of course not! That isn't romantic enough! I'm going to stand up on the table and recite the scene for the whole hall to hear, so Lily knows just how much I love her."

"Didn't you do that last year?" Sirius asks.

"No, I used the table to announce something last year. This time, I'm going to _recite _something."

"What's the difference?" Peter asks.

"Reciting is more dramatic and meaningful, while announcing is just saying something," James explains.

"He has no idea what it means, does he," Sirius says to Remus, who rolls his eyes.

"Standing on the table is a horrible idea, James. You could fall off and get a concussion, which, while Madame Pomfrey could heal in a second, would still lead to you being known as "That Guy Who Broke His Head" for the next ten years; you could get detention for the next five months; you could get slapped by Lily again. I'm sure you remember that, don't you, James?" Remus says.

"I'm a Gryffindor," James replies. "I'm not afraid of a slap or a punch." The look on his face gives him away, though, and Sirius snickers at James's half-grimace, half-I-am-going-to-die-if-I-go-through-that-again.

"If you insist," Remus shrugs.

It takes another hour for the Marauders to actually get down to the dining hall, as the result of a combination of James's excessive hogging of the shower (which effectively proves wrong the theory that everyone sounds like a star in the shower), Peter falling asleep again (forcing Sirius to wake him up by slamming a textbook onto the floor several times), and Sirius going through his hair-care routine (and yes, Remus, he really needs to use that much hairspray).

Finally, they get down to breakfast, and Peter immediately falls face-first into his plate.

"Pete!" Sirius says, shaking him. "There are scones today!"

Peter, however, simply keeps on sleeping, and begins to snore loudly, prompting much of the Gryffindor table to move away from the four.

"Let him sleep," Remus says, waving a dismissive hand. "He's luckier than the rest of us. He doesn't have to listen to James attempt to recite the balcony scene."

"Should I remind you who encouraged James to do this?" Sirius replies, glaring at Remus.

"I thought he would give up after trying a few times!" Remus protests. "I didn't expect him to actually be able to memorize it."

James looks to be giving himself a mental pep talk, and seems to nod slightly before climbing up onto the table.

"Attention, everyone!" James calls. "Please stop eating, talking, and snogging. Okay. I would like to, today, recite the famous balcony scene from the Muggle play _Romeo and Juliet_, as a gift to Lily Evans. Evans, this is for you."

"Oh, Merlin," Sirius says. "He's doing it."

"Mr. Potter, get down from there! Detention tonight with me!" McGonagall yells.

James, well-versed in the art of ignoring people, keeps talking. "Ahem. I'm going to start now."

_But, soft! What light through your window breaks?_

_It is the eastern, and Lily Evans is the sun._

_Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,_

_Who is sick and pale already with grief,_

_That your her maiden art far more fair than she:_

_Be not her maiden, since she is envious;_

_Her vestly lives is sickly and greenish_

_And none but fools wear it and cast it off._

_It is my lady, O, it is my love!_

James stumbles over at least five of the lines, and Remus seems to be burying his head in his arms, either out of embarrassment or annoyance at James's accidental ruining of "a great Muggle classic". Sirius, though, can't seem to tear his eyes away from the sight, and neither, apparently, can Evans, who's eyes are currently larger than the breakfast plates.

"Mr. Potter! Detention tomorrow, as well!"

_O, that she knew she were!_

_She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?_

_Her eye discourses; I will answer it_.

"Potter! Stop, stop, stop!" Evans shouts, standing up, and James—surprisingly—stops reciting the monologue. "What are you doing?"

"I'm serenading you," James says slowly. "It's romantic."

"It might have been romantic, but as I'm quite sure you just destroyed Shakespeare's masterpiece—which, in fact, is a satire—I don't think this is romantic at all."

"See?" Remus hisses. "I told you it was a satire."

Sirius shushes Remus silently. "I want to see what happens. Considering the way things have gone the past three days, I think she's either going to slap him or hex him into next Tuesday."

"Potter, I'm going to chalk today's disaster up to your complete ignorance and appreciation of Muggle culture, and ignore the fact that this was apparently a romantic serenade. Also, serenading usually involves singing of some sort, and unless you were singing in a monotone,_ I don't think this qualifies as a serenade_." She sits back down in her seat, and picks up her fork.

"What?" Evans asks. "Nothing to see here. Keep eating."

Sure enough, minutes later, the hall has returned to normal, besides the fact that James looks even more depressed than the day before.

McGonagall appears next to Sirius and James, and clears her throat. "Don't think I've forgotten about those detentions, Mr. Potter. I expect to see you tonight at six in my classroom. Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin, I trust you had nothing to do with this?"

"Not at all," they chorus, and James glares at them. McGonagall nods, and walks back to the teacher's table.

"Huh?" Peter says groggily, lifting his head up from his plate. "What did I miss?"

o o o

So, how was it? Feedback, review, favorite, follow? Next chapter: Dancing!


	6. Day 5: Just a 1-2-3 the Other Way

A/N: I can't even say how sorry I am for not updating last week. Is two huge projects an acceptable excuse? Anyway, this chapter is a little less humorous and a little more fluffy/angsty (in terms of Jily), but I hope you all still like it. Please excuse any mistakes I've made in regards to ballroom dancing; I'm about the least coordinated person on earth, so I've never actually waltzed or done any of that.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the art of ballroom dancing, or any Beatles songs. Even though I wish I owned the first one and the last one (I can only be happy that Youtube exists).

o o o

**_Top Five Things About Muggle Culture_**

_Written by Muggle Expert M. Rose _

_Last week, we told our readers to mail in their favorite things about Muggle culture, from food to music to the practically edible boys (can you say _swoon _already?). We've ranked our top five in order:_

_No. 5: Music!_

_There's a reason that Wizard Rock is completely dead, and that's because it's completely unoriginal. Every song sounds exactly the same, with the exact same completely un-catchy rhythm. And the lyrics?_ Mix a pinch of spice with a dash of charm/And a sprinkling of romance/They're why my cauldron full of hot, strong love/Is worth it, take the chance! _Talk about a _disaster_!_

_ Compare that to Muggle lyrics, like The Beatles's Eleanor Rigby: _Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been/Lives in a dream/Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door/Who is it for? _Much better, isn't it? And did we mention Queen, or Led Zeppelin? After you take a look at _that_, see if you want to listen to _Stubby Boardman and the Hobgoblins _anymore.  
_

—Retrieved from the Misuse of Muggle Artifact Offices, in a folder labeled MOVE TO OTHER LOCATION (Teen Witch Issue No. 168)

o o o

_Learn to dance! Every girl likes a gentleman. Impress her with your mad skills, than twirl her around so fast she'll fall in love with you instantly. —Brittany L., London, England_

"You can't even walk without tripping over your feet," Peter says. "How do you expect to learn to dance in three hours?"

"I was able to recite one of Shakespeare's greatest works from memory, and it only took me four hours," James replies defiantly.

"It took you six hours, actually, and considering the fact you mangled _Romeo and Juliet _so badly I don't think I'll ever look at it the same way again, I don't think yesterday was considered a success," Remus says. "Also, I knew who Shakespeare was. None of us, however, know how to dance in any way, since you apparently never picked up anything from parties and balls."

"I was seven!" James protests. "And the cookies were shaped like _swans. Swans_, Remus."

"That's wonderful, James. As I was saying, none of us know how to dance, so today's step will have to be skipped." Remus crosses his arms, and smiles smugly.

"Um," Sirius says, raising a hesitant hand. "I might know how to dance a little?" He regrets it immediately after the words are out of his mouth. He wishes that he had been more like James, and simply sat out at every pure-blood function his mother and father had dragged him to (on the other hand, dancing with Narcissa had kept him from being killed by her or her sister instead, and he really doesn't want to die before he's actually bought his own motorbike).

This time, both Remus and Peter glare at him. James, though, looks as if this is the best thing that's happened all day.

"Yes! Yes! Sirius, I hereby designate you our dance instructor," James says, bouncing up and down on his bed.

"Thank you?" Sirius says. "I don't know if we can do this, though. I mean, where do you expect to do this? And don't say the dining hall, because I don't think I can dance on a tabletop without accidentally killing someone."

"We also need partners," Remus adds. "I know you're hung up on Lily being yours, but I doubt she'd let you "give her a twirl" unless she was hypnotized."

"Partners? Of what variety? Sexual, or the boring assigned kind? If it's the second one, I'm out of here." Marlene, once again, walks in, and proceeds to make herself at home.

"I swear, that girl has a sixth sense for annoying people," Remus whispers not-very quietly to Peter.

"Yeah, yeah, you're all glad to see me. Why wasn't I invited to your little Shakespeare at Breakfast yesterday?"

"If you wanted to wake up at three in the morning to listen to James destroy a monologue, then you would have been welcome to join us," Remus says.

"It would have been better than listening to MacDonald's snoring all night long," Marlene grumbles, but she lets it go.

"Please say you don't know how to dance," Peter pleads.

"No can do, Pettigrew. Besides, making other people feel pain is my job." Marlene smirks, and does an actual pirouette, complete with really fast spinning that makes Sirius feel dizzy.

"So, why do you need my ballet prowess?" Marlene asks. "I never figured you'd be the type to prance around in a pink skirt and walk around en pointe."

"James here decided that in order to impress Lily, he has to learn how to ballroom dance," Remus says, jerking a finger at James. "If you only know ballet, though, we don't have a girl to demonstrate with Sirius, so we should probably just call the whole thing off."

"Please," Marlene snorts. "I'm a little pure-blood bitch. Of course I know how to do ballroom dancing. Black, get your ass over here. Watch and learn, Lupin."

Sirius scrambles to obey, and in a few moments, they're waltzing across the room, with Marlene leading and hissing orders into his ear.

Finally, they finish, him panting, while Marlene has a smug smile on her face.

"Alright, partner up," Marlene orders. "Lupin, you go with Potter; your giraffe genes make it practically impossible for you to dance with Pettigrew. I'll go get Mary—I know for a fact that she's pretending to be sick so she doesn't have to go to Hogsmeade with that disgusting Ravenclaw who picks his nose and eats the snot."

Sure enough, mere minutes later, Marlene returns, a reluctant Mary MacDonald in tow, who glares daggers at James.

"Dance with Pettigrew. Don't give me that look; I know your mother forced you to take ballroom dancing classes so you could be a "proper lady"."

Soon, Sirius is giving half-hearted advice to the two pairs. As far as he can tell, things aren't going particularly well. Remus keeps stepping on James's toes, and James keeps trying to lead instead. MacDonald seems to be keeping as much distance from Peter as possible, and Peter is sweating so much Sirius is sure he can fill up buckets with it.

Marlene screaming at everyone doesn't seem to work, either. If anything, it just makes Remus trip over his feet more, and MacDonald inch away even further from Peter.

Marlene seems to sense that things aren't working out, and she cups her hands over her mouth. "Stop! Since all of you are complete idiots, I'm going to put you with Lupin, Mary, and I'll go with Pettigrew. I doubt you can do anything to help Potter—"

"Hey!"

"—but dance with him anyway. If he does what he's doing right now with Lily—who I really doubt will willingly dance with him, but I can't stop him from taking crazy pills and fantasizing—she'll either hex him ten years into the future or rip him limb to limb."

Dancing with Marlene was terrifying, but not a complete failure. Dancing with James, though, is a completely different story. James somehow can't understand the concept that the waltz is danced in a time signature of three, and keeps muttering "1, 2, 3, and 4," under his breath.

Peter looks to be doing better, but his facial expression screams scared out of his mind, and his following is mostly just trying to go along with Marlene and not die in the process. Remus and MacDonald are actually succeeding the most; Remus doesn't seem to be stumbling as much, and it turns out that MacDonald_ can_ dance when she has a partner that is taller than her (which actually isn't an insult to Peter's height, since she's easily 5 foot 7, or even 8).

_Finally_, they get the hang of the waltz, and Marlene slowly claps her hands.

"Congratulations," she says sarcastically. "You've proven you can walk on two feet. Now, we have to do it with music."

Sirius groans inwardly, and_ really_ wishes he'd just eaten the swan cookies instead.

o o o

Two hours later, they've managed to come up with a decent, if not good, dance routine, set to some random piece of classical music that makes Sirius want to go to sleep.

"We have to hold a Yule Ball," James announces, flipping through the pages of one of Remus's books, after everyone is either collapsed onto the beds from exhaustion or close to it.

"A Yule Ball? Good luck with that," Marlene says. "In case you don't know, it hasn't been held since 1792. Do you expect to be able to put one together in half an hour?"

"We could!" James protests. "All we have to do is make an announcement at lunch in twenty minutes and say that there's going to be an impromptu ball in the Gryffindor common room at three."

Marlene shrugs. "Whatever you say."

Twenty minutes later, James stares despondently over the practically empty Great Hall. "I don't understand," he says.

"Hello?" Marlene says. "Hogsmeade? Have you forgotten about that? The only people here are First and Second Years and the antisocial losers, and I don't think they're interested in learning how to dance."

James tilts up his chin. "I'm not giving up," he calls. "Attention! At three this afternoon, there will be a Yule slash Spring Ball in the Gryffindor common room. All are welcome!"

This time, no one pays much attention, and even McGonagall doesn't seem to care, only shaking her head and turning back to her conversation with Dumbledore.

"I'm not giving up," James repeats.

o o o

"No one's here," James says. "No one's here."

"I told you, Potter," Marlene sighs. "It's Hogsmeade. You chose the worst possible day to decide to hold a Yodeling Ball, or whatever."

"If it helps, I don't think Lily's on a date," MacDonald offers. "She said she wanted to go buy candy at Honeyduke's to send home to her sister. Apparently, they aren't speaking right now."

James slumps down in his armchair. "And I got dressed up and everything." He gestures at his robes, which look even more elaborate than those Sirius's possibly insane Aunt Druella wore on her wedding day.

"Wipe that look off your vampire-pale face," Marlene orders. "Potter, you've survived being slapped by Lily, being hexed by Lily, and being turned down by Lily five thousand times—"

"Five thousand, four hundred, and sixty-seven," James says weakly.

"—and you didn't give up," Marlene continues, ignoring him. "You can get through this rejection. Now, am I going to have to force you to dance with me?"

"What?" James looks confused, and Marlene huffs.

"Up, Potter," she says, dragging him off the armchair. "You are going to dance your little heart out, and you aren't going to complain. Capisce?"

James nods, stunned, and then he's twirling around with Marlene in what can only be called an extremely interpretive dance, his robes flying behind him.

Sirius offers a hand to MacDonald, which she cautiously accepts, and they waltz around the room, almost a foot of space between them, but Sirius thinks they manage to pull it off somewhat.

Even Remus and Peter are doing an awkward line dance, with Remus lumbering around and Peter shuffling clumsily. Peter doesn't complain much when Remus steps on his feet, only emitting a small "Ow.".

Sirius knows they look like complete fools, but he almost doesn't feel like it's a completely horrible day. That is, until Peter shouts, "That was my knee, Remus!", and the world (slightly) returns back to normal.

o o o

So, how was it? Feedback, review, favorite, follow? Next chapter: "Look" change (aka. In which James is a wannabe greaser.)!


	7. Day 6: Not-Quite Twins in Leather

A/N: This is a shorter chapter, brought on by the fact that standardized tests exist. Also, I've spent most of the weekend sobbing over _The Quarterback _on Netflix, so that's probably another reason for the smaller amount of words. Please excuse any mistakes I've made in regards to hairstyles of Great Britain in the 1970s.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, leather, or the concept of punk rock.

Quote of the Day: "What's that saying? The show must go all over the place...or something." Finn/Cory, why did you leave us?

o o o

**_Change Your Hair Up in Time for the Summer!_**

_Bored of your hair? This time, try something new and daring! Short, loose curls are definitely "in" this summer, both in the Muggle world and our own. Flicks and wings are on every schoolgirl in Great Britain right now. To create the perfect flick, don't be afraid to use rollers or perm your hair; just because it's "Muggle" doesn't mean it's bad. Try a shag as well, even if your mother says that it looks too "masculine". Besides, you'll look much better than your boyfriend in it._

—Retrieved from the house of M. Weasley, _Teen Witch _Special Issue No. 197

o o o

_This will sound totally shallow, but change your "look"! Sometimes, you aren't a girl's dream boyfriend just because you don't fit their perfect model of a Prince Charming. Just a haircut or new clothes can make a big difference. After all, a girl can see just how much you like them by how much you're willing to change for them. __—__Lucy Q., Glasgow, Scotland_

o o o

"You don't even _have_ a look!" Sirius says. "It's a miracle you even know what a hairbrush _is_, and it's taken you five years to figure out the right way to put on your tie."

"I've got to agree with Black on this one," Marlene says. "Also, I doubt the problem is the way that you dress or do your hair, though you_ do_ usually look like a porcupine in rumbled clothes on a good day."

"What does it mean by changing yourself?" Peter asks. "Aren't people supposed to like who you are no matter what you are?"

"What kind of boys does Evans like?" James asks, ignoring the both of them. "Would she rather date, say, Remus here or Sirius?"

"Like McKinnon and Peter said, Lily doesn't care how you look. She'd rather have an ugly, kind person than a narcissistic pretty boy," Remus replies.

"So she'd like to date Sirius?" James asks, confused.

"Yes, he's her dream man," Remus says sarcastically. "Once again, you've completely missed the point."

At this point, Sirius is sure that James has earplugs permanently glued to the sides of his head, because he instead collapses onto his knees next to Sirius.

"Give me a makeover," James pleads. "Cut my hair, dress me in girl's leather, put me in makeup, anything. I'll do anything for Evans to like me."

"It isn't girl's leather," Sirius says, annoyed. "It's _punk rock. _And Freddie Mercury wears eyeliner."

"Who? Sirius, just help me. Please? I'll add on another week to being your servant," James promises.

"Fine," Sirius relents. "Two weeks, though, and you have no input whatsoever on the details of the makeover."

o o o

"And done," Sirius says, giving one last spritz of hairspray onto James's relentless mop of hair. "You'll have to pay me back for the can; I used half of it just to stop your hair from sticking up in the back."

"Whatever," James says, waving a hand dismissively. "Can I have the mirror now? I feel like I have a pot of glue stuck in my head."

Sirius hands over the mirror, and James stares silently into it for a few moments.

"I didn't use any makeup since you apparently object to punk rock and everything it encompasses, but I still think that the eyeliner would have made your eyes really pop. How does it look?"

"I look like you," James says flatly.

"Is that supposed to be an insult?" Sirius crosses his arms over his chest. "At least I know how to dress myself."

"No, no, it's great!" James cries, jumping up from his perch on the bathroom sink and knocking over at least five containers (Sirius mentally ups the amount of money James owes him to 3 Galleons, 12 Sickles, and 7 Knuts). "Evans will love it! But, um, are you sure that a leather jacket and pants are the right way to go?"

"Trust me," Sirius says. "Now, go into that room and see what Peter, Remus, and Marlene think of it."

James walks into the room confidently, Sirius following a few steps behind, hairbrush in hand in case of any probable hair emergencies.

At first, the two of them are met with silence, Marlene's mouth agape and the two boys' eyes as wide as saucers. A moment later, though, Marlene starts to laugh.

"What did you do to him, Black?" she gasps out. "Are you trying to make him into a walking advertisement for mousse and leather?"

"I don't know," Peter says, looking over James. "He looks more like a fashionable criminal than anything else."

"Come on," Sirius says. "It isn't that bad."

"Here's the thing, Black," Marlene says, seeming to have finally calmed down. "Lily does have a type. Boys who don't look like they've committed felonies. If Potter walked down a Muggle street right now, he would get arrested for those pants—I've got to agree with Potter before on this one, they look like something not even I would wear—and clogging up the town with the smell of cheap hair product."

Sirius huffs (his hairspray is not cheap, thank you very much), and starts to speak, but Remus interrupts him.

"James, Sirius, what I think McKinnon was trying to say is that Lily likes—well, more _wholesome _boys, who don't bear a startling resemblance to a 1950's American greaser." Remus says. "Maybe you can tone down the leather-and-chains just a little bit, Sirius?"

James shakes his head, and folds his arms over his chest defiantly. "I'm wearing this," he declares. "Evans will love it, and think that I look just as wonderful as I know I do.

Marlene shrugs. "Sure. Don't come crying to me when your circulation gets cut off by those pants."

o o o

Throughout the morning, James garners more than just a few surprised looks from other students. A First Year takes a look at him and blushes so furiously her entire face turns red, and snickers follow him all through the hallways. Evans, though, doesn't even seem to notice, barely picking her head up from an essay she's furiously scribbling out.

No teachers comment on James's "look", though, until Transfiguration, when McGonagall stops lecturing on the properties of nonverbal spells after her eyes lay sight on James.

"Mr. Potter?" McGonagall asks. "Am I awake?"

"Er, yes?" James replies, his answer sounding more like a question than a statement.

"Then, correct me if I'm wrong, but why do I feel as if I am in a dream where you are wearing an outfit completely made out of leather and have enough hair product on to supply the readers of _Teen Witch _for an entire year?"

"Just trying out a new look, Minnie," James says, giving her his best innocent smile, but McGonagall doesn't fall for it.

"You are aware that Hogwarts has a strictly enforced dress code, Mr. Potter, are you not?"

James nods his head cautiously.

"And I will have to ask you what prompted this change in "look", correct?"

"Um, a magazine said that people should try to change things up a bit every season," James answers.

"What magazine was that, Mr. Potter?"

James's face flushes, and he mumbles something incomprehensible under his breath.

"Speak up, Mr. Potter. I'm afraid I couldn't quite catch that."

"_Teen__ Witch_," James says quietly, blushing even more. The classroom roars with laughter, and Sirius almost feels sorry for James.

"I thought you would know better than to take advice from mediocre mass-produced magazines meant for teenage girls, Mr. Potter," McGonagall sighs. "Detention today with me at seven."

"Sirius is wearing the same thing!" James protests. "You can't punish me and not him!"

Sirius holds up his arms, as if saying "I didn't do anything". Really, James should know better than to drag his friends into the wrong with him.

"Mr. Potter, can you see any leather on Mr. Black at this moment?" James looks at Sirius, who smirks, currently dressed in the Hogwarts uniform, complete with straight tie and perfect collared shirt.

"Bu-But he was wearing that this morning!" James tries. "What happened?"

"You must have been dreaming very vividly, Mr. Potter. My punishment still stands. Detention at seven, Mr. Potter. Do not forget."

McGonagall returns to her lecture, and James slumps down in his seat. A second later, a loud ripping sound can be heard, and James moves quickly to cover the broken crotch of the leather pants.

o o o

"You know, your makeover for Potter actually wasn't that bad," Marlene comments. "The way you pulled off the whole thing, though, needs to be remembered forever. How did you manage to convince him that leather is a part of the Hogwarts dress code?"

"He didn't," Remus smirks. "James didn't even ask. I think he forgot there was a dress code altogether after the second semester of First Year."

"Do you think he'll be mad at us for doing this?" Peter asks nervously. "I mean, we got him into trouble and everything."

"_Black _got him into trouble," Marlene corrects.

"Oi, don't blame it all on me!" Sirius protests. "Besides, we needed something to get him to stop with the plan. He's made us sing, dance, listen to him recite a horrible monologue, make fake roses, and pretend to be his significant other. This definitely isn't as bad as that."

Remus and Peter hmm, and Sirius stops to think.

"Wait, James is in detention right now, right?" Sirius asks.

"Probably," Remus replies. "Professor McGonagall is making him grade papers with her. I don't see how that's much of a punishment, but James seemed horrified by the prospect of it, so I don't think he'll be back for a while."

"There's leftover pudding from dinner," Peter says. "Kitchen raid?"

"I like the way you think, Pete," Sirius says. "Let's get out of here."

o o o

"Oi!" James calls to an empty room fifteen minutes later. "Where are you? I finished my detention! Sirius, why didn't you tell me there was a dress code? Hello?"

o o o

So, what did you think? Feedback, review, favorite, follow? Next chapter: How to Be a Gentleman: The Remus Lupin Edition.


	8. Day 7: How to Be a Sort-Of Gentleman

A/N: I am so, so sorry for not posting earlier, and I promise I _will _post on time next week. Anyway, here's Chapter Eight!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, chivalry, or politeness.

o o o

_**Bernadine Plumfeather's New Book Too Controversial?**_

_**Written by A. Bowman**_

_Bernadine Plumfeather, known as Bernie or simply "B" to avid readers of the famous teen rag _Teen Witch_, is now the author of a new book aptly called_ Forty Dates—_it is a chronicle of forty dates she went on with forty different men, and all the quirks of each and every one. From the cover (pink, bedazzled with permanently spelled-on rhinestones and glitter) and the frankly bland summary, one would most likely pass it over as yet another romance novel of the week, prematurely doomed to a lifetime of being hidden between worn-out spellbooks and newspapers._

Forty Dates _is more than it seems, however. To put it bluntly, every single one of these men is a Muggle, who had and still do not have any knowledge whatsoever of the existence of the Wizarding World. There is "sweet" Simon, who spends most of his date with Plumfeather talking about what seems to be Muggle politics; carefree Archie, with a "haunted look in his dark eyes" (carefree and haunted? What a catch, not to mention a complete oxymoron); Connor, who is apparently "quintessentially Irish". _

_The book may still seem like a novel designed for middle-aged witches, but just a little deeper, and you just may catch Plumfeather's point; the truth is, Muggles and us really aren't that different. The personality and traits of almost every man in the book can most likely be found in a close friend or colleague__—the only difference is the lack of magic. The question is, though, is it too dangerous to be saying this, especially in times like now? A novel with only one witch/wizard in it is already pushing the envelope, and trying to close the gap between Muggles and wizards simply does not seem like a good idea at all._

_—_Excerpt from _The Daily Prophet_, Review Section, retrieved from the office of Horace Slughorn

o o o

_Be a gentleman! You won't believe it, but the lack of manners shown by almost every male I know are astounding. Pull out her chair for her, give he__r your jacket when she's cold, and say "please" and "excuse me", and you'll be all set! —Charlotte A., Birmingham, England_

"You? A gentleman?" Sirius laughs. "Wait, I need to keep that mental image in my head. You can't wear a suit without unbuttoning the shirt and putting the tie around your head."

"Neither can you," James grumbles. "You just wait. I'll be the most gentlemanly gentleman to ever gentleman."

"Wait, what?" Peter asks. "I don't think that's something that people actually say."

"Of course they do!" James says, and Sirius rolls his eyes.

"Being a gentleman isn't that hard," Remus supplies. "After all, I do it all the time."

"James can't do it. No way, no how," Sirius replies. "He can't even remember to pick his dirty towel up from the floor after he showers—and by the way, the next time I slip on it, I'm suing you for ten thousand Galleons."

"I haven't done that for a week!" James protests. "And I can do it. All I have to do is pull out Lily's chair for her in class and carry her books, right?"

"I don't think that's what it is," Peter replies. "If that was true, I'm pretty sure that Snivellus would count as a gentleman."

A look passes over James's face. "Snivellus isn't a gentleman. He doesn't even comb his hair!"

"Neither do you," Sirius snickers.

"Shut up," James says. "Anyway, if that isn't being a gentleman, what is? Should I hex Snivellus more or something? Ooh, I finally found that spell to make his hair turn green yesterday."

"No, James," Remus sighs. "That's the exact opposite of being a gentleman. Clearly, you need lessons on this. Maybe you two can pick up something as well."

Sirius watches as Remus starts scribbling furiously on a roll of parchment, and groans inwardly. Hopefully, he isn't in for another patented three-hour long R. J. Lupin lecture.

o o o

He is.

Apparently, Remus decided it would be a good idea to write down a list of appropriate "gentlemanly" things to do, and is currently reading off of it (unfortunately, he only seems to be on Number Ten out of two hundred).

"Be _attentive_," Remus says, glaring at Sirius and snapping him out of his incredibly entertaining daydream that had involved hair curlers and toothbrushes battling over a sink.

"Girls like it when you actually listen to what they're saying instead of pretending. Trust me, they can tell. Even if they're talking to you about the newest fashions of hair in _Teen Witch_, they know when you're daydreaming about things like strawberry tarts and hair curlers. If you really _can't_ listen, at least get acting lessons from someone, unless you want to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation."

"Number Twelve: Be polite," Remus says, just as the door to the dormitory opens, and Sirius sees Marlene step in.

"Number Twelve? For what? How to be an annoying little swot?" she asks. "No, don't answer that. I'm right. You know it."

"McKinnon, if you have to barge in on our meetings every day, can you at least be on time? Eight A.M. Is it really that hard to remember?"

"Lupin, us girls need our beauty sleep. Be happy; I'm here now. What are we actually doing?"

"Teaching James to be a gentleman," Peter supplies.

Marlene snorts. "Yeah, right. Seriously, what are we doing?"

"Like Peter said, teaching James how to be a gentleman," Remus replies. "Do you have any worthwhile input? I doubt it, but since James here isn't listening to me, maybe you can hypnotize him with your powers of hair or whatever and actually get him to learn what being a gentleman is all about."

"Gentleman? Girls don't want gentleman; they want boyfriends who buy them jewelry and clothes."

"McKinnon," Remus says warningly, an edge to his voice.

"Fine, Lupin. Like Lupin said, Potter, say please and thank you, look organized, don't offend anyone purposely or accidentally, help other people, don't be arrogant—seeing that that's approximately twenty-five percent of your personality, I don't think it's possible for you, but try anyway—don't get into fights, verbally or physically, don't be selfish, and respect other people. Got it?"

"I guess," James says, looking dazed. "Uh, do I really have to do all of that, though? I mean, I don't think I can handle everything—"

"You have to," Marlene replies. "Otherwise, she'll know for sure it's fake."

James looks apprehensive and more than a little nervous, and Sirius can only be glad he doesn't have to do any of the things Marlene listed. He's almost ninety-nine percent sure that if he had to be nice and respectful and perfect 24/7, he would be locked up in St. Mungo's within a week.

o o o

The first obstacle comes just fifteen minutes after Operation Become A Gentleman is put into motion, when Peter and Remus practically have to use force to make James wear his tie and robes properly, and Sirius reluctantly shows James how to style his hair like Remus (bangs in front, flat in the back, barely any hairspray and gel except to keep his hair just barely in place).

James makes it through breakfast with only a few mistakes, which lead to hard slaps on the wrist from Marlene (needless to say, he stops doing anything and everything that could be interpreted as offensive within ten minutes).

Defence Against the Dark Arts is when James's willpower is truly tested, and Sirius can see James's hand clench tighter around his quill every time Snivellus insults him, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Marlene, Gryffindors, the professor (who _is_ mostly useless and possibly addicted to Firewhiskey, but still), the class, or the entirety of the world.

James somehow manages to mostly ignore Snivellus, though, and instead gives him huge fake smiles and thanks him for his opinion. After a while, the Slytherin seems to give up, and settles for sending glares in the Marauders' way and muttering "bloody Gryffindors" under his breath.

Muggle Studies passes easily, mostly due to the fact that Snivellus isn't taking it and the majority of the class is Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs, the former too confused about the principles of the micro-thingy oven and caramelization (Sirius stops paying attention when he figures out that the professor isn't actually talking about the candy) and the latter completely uninterested in instigating a fight of any sort with James.

Even with the fact that Evans also takes Muggle Studies (for what reason, Sirius doesn't know. She definitely doesn't need the O.W.L. or N.E.W.T. credits, so he can only guess that she actually _likes_ the class.), James is able to pull himself together, and pulls out her chair for her, lends her a quill, and tells her that she looks "stunning", which actually leads to Evans _blushing_ and stammering out her thanks.

Lunch progresses smoothly as well, with James being somehow polite and respectful to everyone that walks by him, which earns James an approving smile from Remus.

Potions is after lunch, and thankfully the last class of the day; James's hair is coming loose from the gel, and Sirius sees him force himself to resist the urge to punch Snivellus in the face when he makes a snide comment about Evans.

"My students!" Slughorn's voice booms as he rubs his hands together. "What lasts forever, works forever, and never runs out?"

"Magic?" A short redhead guesses.

"No, but it's a good theory. Mr. Lupin?"

"Everlasting Elixirs, professor."

"Good, good, Mr. Lupin. I hope everyone has done their homework, because we are making it! Or, to be more precise, them. I will be giving you and your partner a list of ingredients and directions, and you will then make the potion—without any hints to what type of potion it actually is. To successfully complete the assignment, you must make the potion perfectly and then give its name. Oh! The winning pair is also exempt from the paper I am assigning at the end of the period. Sounds like fun, yes?" Slughorn grins, but the only people that actually look excited are Evans and Snivellus.

"Partners, now; Ms. McKinnon and Mr. Wilson, Mr. Dagworth and Mr. Pettigrew." Sirius starts dozing off after the third pair, when his own name is called (Remus as a partner isn't completely horrible, but his tendency to somehow blow up every potion guarantees that they'll have to come after class to redo the assignment).

"And last but not least, Mr. Snape and Mr. Potter. Now, get to work! I want to see those potions brewing!" Sirius gapes at Slughorn for a moment, then decides that he must have contracted insanity from Dumbledore sometime over the last few hours. How could he think that Snivellus and James could work together? He shakes his head, and decides to just watch James lose his mind while he and Remus try not to fail.

The potion that Slughorn gave him and Remus unfortunately seems to actually be complicated, and he leaves Remus with strict instructions to not touch the potion while he gets ingredients from the cupboard.

On the way there, he overhears James and Snivellus, and sure enough, the latter is busy trying to bait James while the Gryffindor grits his teeth and attempts to work.

"You're doing it all wrong, Potter. Shrivelfig first, then add in the herbs. Are you really that much of an idiot, or did Pettigrew's stupidity just rub off on you?"

"Thank you, Snape, for your kind input," James replies. "It would be nice if you didn't insult my friends, but I suppose that you don't know the meaning of kindness."

"Kindness? That's rich, coming from you."

Sirius leaves quickly before he ends up somehow being roped in, returning to his table. As it turns out, the potion ends up requiring the full effort of both him and Remus, and he doesn't get time to see more of the fallout between James and Snivellus.

By the end of the period, Sirius can tell that while he and Remus have no chance of winning the free pass on the essay, they also aren't going to fail the assignment. Looking over at James's table, though, he can see that James's face is becoming an odd shape of purple, and Snivellus is saying something most likely designed to start yet another fight between the two.

As if on cue, James stands up from his seat, and knocks over the potion, spilling it over Snivellus.

"James!" Remus calls. "Don't give up now!"

"You know what?" James screams, ignoring Remus. "I hate this! I can't do this! I'm sorry, Evans, but I can't be a gentleman! I can't be perfect and sweet and kind to everyone! I hate you, Snivellus, and you're more of an idiot than Mulciber's dirty underwear!"

"That didn't make sense," Peter whispers, but Sirius shushes him. All eyes in the room are now on James, who's eyes are blazing like a madman's.

"I don't understand why girls want a guy to carry their books and do everything for them! Can't they be independent, too? I hate this hairstyle, I hate being chivalrous or whatever, and I hate all of you!" With that, James storms out of the classroom, his robes swishing quite dramatically.

The silence in the room envelopes everyone, and Slughorn looks almost stunned as to what has just happened.

Peter is the one who speaks first, with a, "Well, being a gentleman might work for you, Remus, but it definitely didn't for James."

o o o

So, how was it? Feedback, review, favorite, follow?


	9. Day 8: Puppies are a Girl's Best Friend

A/N: So, how's that actually updating on time thing coming along? Once again, I'm sorry for not updating on Sunday, but at least I did it today on Tuesday instead of having waiting another week; I just kept adding more and more stuff to the story. Anyway, enjoy this chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or dogs/puppies. In fact, I don't even own _one_ puppy, even though I've begged for one probably since third grade.

o o o

**_How to Make House-Spirit Biscuits!_**

_What better way to show Hogwarts house pride than these delicious biscuits? No matter what your house, your friends will be begging you to make these again after the first bite. After all, house-elves may cook absolutely scrumptious food, but everything tastes better with a dash of love and homemade added in. Don't worry if you can't bake to save your life, either; we've got you covered. __Honeyduke's plain sugar biscuits are cheap and ready-to-use, and you would be surprised at how easily you can also find decent frosting. _

_For the house colors, simply whip up some sprinkles in either yellow and black, red and yellow, blue and bronze, or green and silver, and toss them onto the frosted biscuits. If you don't feel like showing spirit, though, you can also mix-and-match the colors to your preferences._

_Of course, if you happen to be a true witch in the kitchen, you can bake these biscuits as well. Just flip the page to find our fail-proof directions!_

—Retrieved from the Ravenclaw Girl's Dormitory, _Teen Witch _Issue No. 296

o o o

_Buy her expensive things! Yes, it seems kind of strange, but girls do like material objects. Besides, some jewelry or a new dress never hurt anyone. After all, aren't diamonds a girl's best friend? —Caroline R., Leeds, England_

"Okay, I already know that James has detention with Slughorn right now, so why are we here?" Sirius asks, looking around the room warily.

"Wait, why does James have detention again?" Peter asks.

"He ranted about hating the entire world and Potions, stormed out of the room, and got Slughorn to stand in front of the class silently for a good two minutes. I would be surprised if he _didn't_ get detention. We're here because I told the three of you to come, and clearly you don't know the meaning of disobeying orders, something I can be extremely grateful for," Marlene replies.

"Okay, it's been established that James has detention for going insane, and you somehow made us be here, I'm guessing with the use of illegal drugs. Like Sirius said, why are we still doing this? James is going to force us to do the next "step" in this "plan" tomorrow anyway. Why can't we have a break?" Remus crosses his arms, and stares at Marlene.

"Believe it or not, Lupin, but I do have a heart, no matter how shriveled and small it is. If I do this one nice thing for Potter, I don't have to do anything else ever again," Marlene says, kicking off Remus's bedspread and sitting on top of his pillow.

"Your logic is truly sound, McKinnon," Remus says, rolling his eyes. "So, what's the next idiotic step in the magazine?"

"Be her sugar daddy," Marlene replies.

"What?" Peter asks. "Sugar? If we're baking, I can make—"

"Not that kind of sugar, Pettigrew," Marlene says. "A _sugar daddy._ Someone who's loaded that buys a girl lots of gifts in exchange for loving their poor, pathetic little arses. Potter could pull this step off perfectly, but seeing as I don't have his Gringotts account key or vault number, we can't do it."

"Are we skipping this one and doing the next one, then?" Sirius asks. _Or are we just not doing any step today? Even though Marlene said we can't,_ please_ let it be the second one_.

"Nope. I, the great Marlene Christine McKinnon, has managed to come up with a step even more brilliant than the one given to us (which, by the way, was clearly better than any of those before it). We're going to get Lily a puppy."

"A puppy?" Peter echoes. "What?"

"You heard me, Pettigrew. We're getting her a pet. Cats annoy me, we aren't getting her anything magical or a hybrid in case it comes and kills us in our sleep, toads are just boring, and she already has an owl that she loves even though it's named Voltaire or something." Marlene stops, and seems to think about the name of the owl for a second before shaking her head. "Actually, I don't know and care where I've heard the name before. Whatever."

"Dogs shed and slobber, sure, but I know for a fact that Lily likes them, but doesn't have one because her sister hates fur that isn't made out of synthetic things. All we have to do is find some dog around here that just gave birth, give it to her, and boom. My good deed is done, and Potter can feel free to take all the credit as long as he pays me back for it."

"I hate to break it to you, McKinnon, but I don't think it will be easy to just find a puppy in Hogwarts. The only pets here are Hagrid's and Filch's cat."

"Wait!" Peter cries. "Remus, we know a dog, don't we?"

"No," Remus says slowly.

"Yes, we do. One with black fur, who's extremely touchy about his appearance, and usually only comes out to play on full moons?"

"Oh! It wouldn't happen to have a name that starts with a "P", would it?"

Oh. Oh, no. Sirius gestures furiously, but Remus and Peter don't seem to listen to him.

"Now that you mention it, I think he does. And he's very easy to obtain, isn't he?"

"Oh yes he is, Peter."

"What are you talking about?" Marlene asks. "I was thinking of just going into the Forbidden Forest. If you look hard enough, you could find anything in there—probably even a dragon."

"No need for that, McKinnon," Remus replies. "Peter and I have it handled. Don't we, Sirius?"

o o o

Padfoot does not like this. He does not like this at all.

Brown-Haired Tall Boy and Short Blonde One seem to be laughing at him with their eyes. Scary Blonde Girl glares at the two, and they stop doing whatever they were.

"Who's dog is this?" Scary Blonde asks. "I never thought you'd have the guts to steal someone's pet, Lupin."

"We didn't steal it," Brown-Haired Boy Who is also Lupin replies. "Don't worry, he's our friend. He doesn't have rabies, either, so you should be fine around him."

Apparently, Also Lupin is his friend. Padfoot also doesn't have rabbits. He likes rabbits, though. Rabbits are furry and fun to chase, even though they're always faster than him and get away.

"So, we're going to give him to Evans? How?" Short Blonde asks.

"We'll just get a basket, Pettigrew, and leave him outside the door. It isn't that hard. Lily will start squealing the moment she sees him."

"Are we going to leave a note?" Also Lupin reaches down to pat him on the head. He shakes him off. He does not like his fur being messed up, thank you very much, especially by people who eye-laugh at him.

"We don't need to. Just the basket, and we'll be fine."

"So, when are we going?" One Who is Pettigrew shifts from side to side. Padfoot wonders if he has an itch. Itches are annoying, but he always feels better after he scratches them. Scratching is more fun against a tree, though. Trees are good itch-scratchers. Their bark also doesn't taste bad when he eats it.

"If you would all stop talking, we'd go right now."

Moments later, Also Lupin is lifting him into a wooden basket. He tries to squirm out of his grip, but Also Lupin must be stronger than he looks, because after a brief scuffle, he's looking out of the basket while it swings from Scary Girl's hand.

"Okay, we're good," Scary Girl announces, and he feels himself being dropped onto the ground.

He whines, and tries to climb out of the basket, but One Who is Pettigrew pushes him back in.

"Don't worry, Padfoot, we'll come back for you soon!" Also Lupin says cheerily, waving to him.

He tries to howl, but the three are gone already, and he slumps into the basket. It isn't fair. He doesn't know what he did this time! He doesn't like the basket, either. It isn't a good scratcher like a tree.

Padfoot lies in the basket for what feels like _forever_, trying to scratch his back. It doesn't work. He settles for whining as loudly as he can, wanting someone to come and get him out of the basket already.

_Finally_, a door that he didn't even know was there opens behind him, and a red-haired girl comes out.

"Oh my—a puppy?" Her voice is sweet, and she smells like cinnamon. He likes cinnamon, though he likes tree bark even more.

"Who's are you, huh?" She picks him up and out of the basket, and places him in her arms. "I don't think anyone's lost a dog, have they? I don't even think there _should_ be dogs in Hogwarts."

"Are you for me?"

Padfoot nods his head, because it seems like the right thing to do.

"Huh. I guess you're a gift, then. You _are_ awfully cute."

He puffs out his chest, because he is not cute. Padfoot is majestic and strong and a warrior. Cute is those annoying kittens that he saw in a picture once, not him.

"So, I think you're stuck with me for now!" She walks through the door and closes it, plopping down onto a squishy rectangle thing with two wooden boards on each side.

"Who gave you to me? Could it be Remus? He's sweet, but I don't think that he could do this without Potter killing him." She sighs, and rubs his back. Padfoot sighs, too, but mostly because she's almost as good at scratching as trees.

"Black definitely wouldn't do it, and Pettigrew's hung up on Hestia Jones. I don't think Marlene would give me a puppy, even though she still hasn't bought me a late birthday gift yet and she promised to before the end of this month. Mary would get me a book if she wanted to give me something for no reason, and that just leaves Sev—well, Snape, I guess—and Potter."

"Se—Snape," she corrects. "A puppy. I know he still wants me to forgive him, but it's been almost a year already, and I just don't think some things can be healed. He hasn't left that horrible Mulciber or Avery yet, and Marlene said that she heard rumors that he hexed a third year last week because he talked back to Mulciber. Also, he hates animals, so I suppose you must be from Potter."

Sweet Red-Haired Girl sighs again, and moves her hand from his back to his ears.

"Potter _would_ do this, but Professor Slughorn gave him detention yesterday, and he's still probably scrubbing out cauldrons right now. Maybe you're just a random act of kindness or something. After all, who doesn't love puppies?"

Sweet Girl pauses for a moment. "Well, my sister Petunia absolutely _abhors_ dogs. She thinks they're an abomination or something. Get this, though; she has this horrible boyfriend, Vernon, who has a sister, Marge—even more horrible, if you can believe it—that owns so many bulldogs you can barely even name half! Petunia almost _died_ when she met her. I had to excuse myself from the room because I didn't think I could hold in my laughter any longer."

"What about you, puppy? Do you have any siblings?"

Padfoot thinks for a moment. He remembers a boy with black hair who people called "Reg". He hasn't seen the boy for a while. Maybe he misses the boy. He doesn't really know.

He whines a little, and Sweet Girl hugs him to her chest. "I think I know why people talk to their pets now," she says. "It is kind of calming, isn't it?"

Padfoot nods, and tries to inhale her scent. At that moment, though, the door opens, and a tall girl walks in.

"Lily, I have to show you this new painting I found near the Ravenclaw dormitories—a puppy!"

Tall Girl is over in a flash, and pets Padfoot on the head a little too hard. "Where did you find him?" she demands.

"Someone gave him to me," Sweet Girl Who is Probably Lily replies.

"He's so cute!" she gushes. "Don't you think he needs some grooming, though?"

Probably Lily frowns. "I think he looks fine. He doesn't look like he has fleas or anything."

"No, I mean _grooming_," Tall Girl emphasizes. "Curls, ribbons, you know, that kind of thing. Come on. It'll be fun."

"I don't really know, Mary. His fur's already curly, and I don't think he would like ribbons in it either."

"Please, Lily? You can change him back afterwards."

Padfoot shakes his head fervently (no, no, please, he doesn't want ribbons at all), but Tall Girl Who Should Be Mary doesn't seem to understand him, unlike Probably Lily.

Instead, she seems to engage in a conversation with eyes with Probably Lily, who throws her hands up in the air after a few minutes.

"Fine, Mary. Only ribbons, though. No extreme haircut or makeover."

He tries to howl in protest, but before he can, Should Be Mary has picked him up and is twirling him around by his paws way too hard.

"Puppy, you just wait!" she exclaims, and squeals. "This will be _the_ best experience of your life!"

He spends the next ten minutes being poked and prodded into submission by Should Be Mary, and after what seems like a lifetime, she finally reluctantly lets go of him. When he moves his head, he can feel things tied onto both his ears, and there seems to be a pink sash hanging from his neck.

"See, Lily? Doesn't he look much better?"

"I don't think he looks very _comfortable_, though," Probably Lily observes. "Don't you think the curly ribbons are just a _little_ too much? He isn't a poodle, you know."

"He's happy, Lily," Should Be Mary replies firmly, before her mouth drops open. "Oh! I almost forgot! I still have to show you that painting! You've _got_ to see it; it's the most disturbing thing since that portrait of that man with warts all over his face got put up."

"If it's so disturbing, why do you want me to see it?" Probably Lily asks wryly, but she allows herself to be dragged out of the room by Should Be Mary anyway.

When both of them are gone, Padfoot collapses, and sighs deeply. He really did like Probably Lily, even if Should Be Mary's curling ribbons or whatever hurt his ears.

He looks up, and suddenly notices that the door is still open, and the room free for him to leave—no, escape!

He bounds down the steps, barking happily! He's free! Free!

Then, as he rounds the corner, he accidentally crashes into a wall, and slumps down, howling in pain.

o o o

"I hate you all," Sirius says, walking into the room, tugging pink ribbons out of his hair.

"Oh my god," Marlene says, not even bothering to stifle her laughter. "What happened to you? I didn't think there were beauticians in the _kitchens_. By the way, where's our food? Lupin promised me that you would be getting pudding, and I need my daily dose of sugar right now."

"You told her I went to the kitchens? For two hours?" Sirius whispers furiously, but both Remus and Peter ignore him.

"Oh, you know how Sirius is. I'm sure he just forgot. By the way, how's Padfoot?" Remus asks, smirking.

"Very annoyed. Possibly murderous," he replies, glaring at the three.

"He didn't enjoy his makeover?" Peter asks.

"No," Sirius replies, and continues glaring. He wonders if he could burn literal holes in their heads with his eyes. It is actually quite a nice mental image.

At that moment, though, James bangs open the door, saving Marlene, Remus, and Peter from their probable deaths.

"Thank Merlin that Ol' Sluggy didn't make me grade papers like McGonagall did last time," James says, sighing. "I hate cauldrons, now, though—woah!"

"What did the four of you _do_?" James asks, staring in amazement at Sirius, who groans, and pulls out yet another clump of ribbons from the back of his head.

"Oh, just the usual," Peter replies. "I think it's safe to say that Sirius had a _ruff_ day, though."

o o o

So, how was it? Feedback, review, favorite, follow?


	10. Day 9: Don't Blow Up the Kitchen Again

A/N: I am once again sorry for being a horrible updater, but I promise the next chapter will be on time. Seriously. Also, I apologize for any mistakes in this chapter, because unlike my friends, I unfortunately suck at baking and making any type of food besides a sandwich.

QOTD: "I think I have an eyelash in my pupillary sphincter." Thank you, Colin Singleton, for that inspiring quote (but mostly for teaching us that pupillary is not actually misspelled, despite what spell check says.).

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, scones, or biscuits/cookies. I only own the halfway-empty cardboard boxes of cookies in my kitchen.

o o o

_**How to Redecorate Your Dormitory!**_

_The Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor dormitories may all have centuries worth of history, but that doesn't mean they can't be redecorated. Of course, painting over the walls in bright purple or pink would _not_ be a good idea (especially if word gets out to your Head of House). Who says that you can't put up posters or banners, though?_

_House Spirit banners are perfect and go with practically anything (yes, even the black-and-yellow Hufflepuff ones), and are also easily made with some basic Transfiguration or scrounging at those cute little shops in Diagon Alley. Posters can be of anything__—__the enlarged covers of your favorite _Teen Witch _or _Witch Weekly _issues, Quidditch (don't lie; we _all_ know that you drool over those boys in _Quidditch Weekly_.), or just something you think looks _good_ in your dormitory._

_With permission from your Head of House and perhaps your roommates, you may even find yourself being able to switch out the bedspread and curtains with new ones__—ones that don't look like they're from hundreds of years ago! Make sure they match your new banners and posters, though; clashing colors are just about _the_ worst thing that can happen when decorating._

_—_Retrieved from the Hufflepuff Common Room, _Teen Witch _Issue No. 225

o o o

_Make her food! Show that you can cook; girls want the best of the best, and what's better than a man that shows skill in the kitchen? Even if it doesn't work out, you'll walk away with a newfound ability sure to impress any girl that comes your way. __—Anne T., Portsmouth, England_

"The last time you tried to cook, you blew up a pot," Sirius says flatly. "What makes you think you can somehow make ten-tier cakes by yourself or whatever?"

"I'm not making a ten-tier cake alone," James replies. "_We_, on the other hand, are making biscuits and scones."

"What makes you think you can make those either, Potter?" Marlene asks. "If we're actually doing this and baking things, all I can say is that I'm not eating—or touching, for that matter—anything the four of you are making. It'll taste worse than those vomit-flavored beans."

"I'd like to see you do better," Remus mutters underneath his breath.

"I can and I will," Marlene says. "How hard can it be to bake better than the four of _you_?"

"Peter _has_ actually baked scones _and_ biscuits before," Remus replies. "Haven't you, Pete?"

"Well, they aren't that good, and my mum makes ones that taste a lot better—"

"Pettigrew, have you baked before or not?" Marlene asks, exasperated.

"Yes," Peter replies, sighing. "I'm really not that good at it, though."

"You'll be better than Potter, Black, and Lupin at it at any rate. We're working together, Pettigrew."

"Oi!" James says. "_I'm_ the one who's supposed to be doing this for Lily, not Peter and you!"

"Yes, and as Black pointed out, you can't cook, and you've also forced us into helping you. Unless you want her to die from either choking or food poisoning after taking one bite, I'm suggesting that we split up; me and Pettigrew together, you, Lupin, and Black, and we'll give Lily the ones that are actually edible."

"Fine," James relents. "Just you wait, though. I'm going to make the best biscuits and scones that have ever been biscuited and sconed."

"Those aren't words, James," Remus says.

o o o

Baking is actually a lot harder than it sounds. Thankfully, _Teen Witch _had apparently included a recipe for biscuits, and Peter had somehow managed to find his mother's instructions for making scones in his trunk.

Procuring the kitchens from the house-elves had been easy as well; with a combination of begging and promising to not blow anything up this time, the house-elves had reluctantly agreed to hand over part of the kitchens as long as they didn't disrupt their work.

Unfortunately, the recipe in _Teen Witch_ contained more comments on how cute animal-shaped biscuits were and how pretty frosted biscuits with purple sprinkles on them looked than actual instructions, and Marlene was hogging Peter's scone recipe, even as Peter tugged at her sleeve anxiously and wondered aloud if they _really_ needed to read it ten thousand times when he had it memorized.

"Wait, how do you crack an egg?" James asks. "And what does it mean by beating it?"

"With a whisk, Potter," Marlene sighs, rolling her eyes. "Just tap the egg against the bowl—no, not the big one, the small one on the side—and boom. Broken egg, hurrah."

"Like this?" James brings down the egg hard, and pieces of the shell fall into the bowl, while parts of the actual egg land on Sirius's face, and he tries futilely to wipe it off.

"James!" Remus says. "No, not like that."

"James, you'll have to pick out the shell," Peter sighs. "Be careful, you don't want to break it more—oh, come on!"

Apparently, in the ten seconds that Peter had been warning James on what not to do, James had somehow managed not just to break the shell into even smaller pieces, but also knock over the bowl entirely.

Sirius looks over at Peter and Marlene's bowl (well, two bowls; somehow, they've managed to make both the biscuit and scone mix-things already, while Remus, James, and he are still attempting to crack one egg.), and wonders if it's too late to go over to them and leave James and Remus to figure things out by himself (he knows it sounds cruel, but come on, he has egg in his _hair_. _His hair_.).

In any other case, he would actually be happy to be Remus's partner, but it seems that his lack of ability in Potions has also carried over to baking. James, as known to everyone, just can't cook at all, and as for himself—considering the fact that he spent his childhood in a house where the house-elves did practically everything, he's lucky just to be able to pour his own juice in the morning.

"Look, James, _this_ is what you do," Peter says, gently tapping the egg onto the bowl before using his hands to pull it apart. "There. I'm not even going to ask you to try it, because you've wasted enough food already."

"Fine," James grumbles. "Now, how do you "beat an egg"? And what's a whisk? It says that it's "like a wand, but more shiny and less useful for casting spells". I didn't think that baking the Muggle way required magic."

"This is a whisk, James," Peter says, holding up a metal thing with loops that looks absolutely nothing like Sirius's wand, not even the fake one he got for Christmas when he was three years old. "You—well, _I_—usually spin it between my palms quickly to beat it, but just use whatever method you think will work best for you."

"Okay," James says, and starts spinning around the whisk in the small bowl.

"_No_, James, not _that_ bowl! The other one!" Peter cries.

This continues for a good half hour, with James managing to destroy more ingredients during every step, Remus laughing like an idiot at every mistake, and Sirius trying and failing to pick the drying egg out of his hair (seriously, isn't it supposed to be _easier_ to get dry things out of hair than wet things?), until Peter finally gives up and simply takes over, doing the last few steps of the biscuits _and_ the scones entirely for them.

"Done," Peter says, wiping his hands on his pants. "Now all you have to do is put the trays in the oven and actually bake the scones and biscuits. McKinnon, you already put ours in, right?"

"Sure," Marlene says, rolling her eyes. Seeing Peter's cold stare, though (Sirius will never question the caliber of his "looks" again), she relents. "Fine, fine, I did. It'll probably take a few more minutes before it's done."

Sure enough, less than three minutes later, Peter and Marlene are pulling out two pans of near-perfect biscuits and scones, just barely golden-brown and wafting a smell that reminds Sirius of everything he loves, like trees and chocolate and happiness.

Sirius reaches out to take a scone, but Marlene smacks his hand away.

"You're eating your own, Black. These are mine."

"Oi, I made them!" Peter protests, but Marlene shushes him.

"Besides, we're giving these to Lily. You can eat yours, since I doubt that she would survive if she tried them."

"Ours will be even better than yours, McKinnon—no offense, Pete. Lily will fall in love at the first bite." James crosses his arms, puffing out his chest triumphantly.

"Um, James, what's that smell?" Remus asks. Sirius sniffs the air, and sure enough, just underneath the trees and happiness, he can smell something burning.

"James, how long has it been since you put the trays into the oven?" Peter asks.

"About twenty-something minutes," James replies. "Why?"

"Oh, Merlin," Peter says. "James, it's supposed to be fifteen minutes, tops. Wait, did you use the same oven for both trays?"

"Yes," James replies slowly. "Why? Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters!" Peter says. "They're supposed to be baked at two different temperatures! James, did you even read the recipe?"

"_I_ read it once," Remus replies.

"Oh, Merlin," Peter says again.

Sirius sniffs the air again, but this time, the burning smell is almost overpowering.

"Pete, should we take out the trays right now?" he asks. "Because I think that if we don't, the oven might blow up like it did last time at James's house."

"You didn't take it out yet?" Peter slips his huge oven gloves on quickly, and rushes over to the oven, pulling out the two trays of scones and cookies, blowing fiercely on them.

Peter sets them down on the counter quickly, and with one glance, Sirius can see that it would be a miracle if they were actually edible. Instead of being golden-brown, the scones and biscuits are burned almost black, and most—if not all—of them are misshapen, either large to the point of seeping into the next biscuit or scone (Sirius can barely tell which tray is which) or tiny.

"They probably aren't as bad as they look, right? I mean, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover," James says, picking one up, then instantly dropping it back onto the tray, hissing in pain from the heat.

"Sure, try one, if you don't mind dying," Marlene says.

"They really aren't that bad," James says, but Sirius thinks that he's trying to convince himself more than anyone else. "Lily will love them."

o o o

"Free scones and biscuits!" Sirius calls, and is reminded of the last time they did this; it had been right after the unfortunate kissing booth incident, but instead of giving away baked goods, they had been selling them in an attempt to buy tickets to the Quidditch World Cup (which they still didn't have, since apparently they still needed ten more Galleons to buy four tickets).

"Would you like a scone or a biscuit?" Remus asks a fourth-year, who first looks in disgust at the two trays of burnt biscuits and scones, before her eyes light up and she takes a scone from the tray of perfect baked goods made by Peter and Marlene.

"Evans!" Sirius shouts, catching sight of her long red hair. "Oi, Evans!"

"What, Black?" she asks, turning around.

"Lily!" James cries. "I mean, we have free scones and biscuits. Would you like some?"

"From you?" She cocks an eyebrow, looking down at the trays. "As tempting as it is, I think I'm going to say no. By the way, Potter, if you didn't want to let me keep the puppy, why would you give it to me?"

"A puppy?" James looks confused, and Sirius kicks him under the table. "Oh. The puppy."

"Yes, Potter. Why would you give one to me if you just wanted to take it back afterwards?"

"I didn't take it back!" James protests.

"Really," Evans says flatly. "It just disappeared."

"Well, um, it ran away, so yeah, I guess it did," James replies.

"And it told you that it just _decided_ to run away?"

"Bad move," Marlene whispers to Sirius, a small smile he's come to recognize as the _I am enjoying other people's pain very much right now _smile over the past year. "Potter's going _down_."

"Shh," Remus whispers back, apparently having overheard Marlene. "I want to see this. Maybe it will be a repeat of last Valentine's Day."

"I don't think it liked MacDonald's ribbons very much," James says.

"Right," Evans says, her tone still disbelieving. "The puppy ran away because it didn't like the ribbons, and then it went to you and told you all of that."

"Yes," James replies slowly.

"Wonderful," Evans says. "You know, I wouldn't have minded that much that you wanted to take back the puppy if you had just told the truth."

"Um, Evans, do you still want a scone?" Peter asks, holding one way-too-perfect scone out to her.

"Oh. Thank you, Pettigrew. These look delicious," she says, taking it from him, then walking away, leaving behind a gaping James.

"She didn't even try my scones and biscuits," James says glumly.

"Mate, I'm sorry, but I don't think I would do that either," Peter says, looking over at the burnt pastries.

o o o

(And then when they get married Lily finds out about Padfoot and laughs her head off while apologizing repeatedly because everything that James said was actually true and she didn't believe him.)

So, how was it? Once again, I'm really sorry for generally sucking at updating. Feedback, review, favorite, follow?


	11. Day 10: My Friend Has Very Shiny Teeth

A/N: I'm sorry, once again, for failing to update on Sunday. Anyway, here's the chapter! Also, the opinions that Sirius has about _Emma _(the novel by Jane Austen) are strictly his own, and are in no way mine. I'm sorry for any mistakes I've made regarding the use of wingmen in advance.

QOTD: "It felt like the worst ass-kicking he'd ever gotten. And he'd gotten plenty." Once again, Colin Singleton, who is basically one of those characters that can somehow annoy you, make you feel bad for him, and have you laugh actually out loud at the same time.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the concept of a wingman (not the pilot kind), or _Emma_. That belongs to J. K. Rowling, Jane Austen, and some random person who decided that using a wingman/friend to help get a date or whatever would be an awesome idea.

o o o

_**Ten Charms Every Witch Needs to Know**_

_Hogwarts might have taught you the spells you need in order to actually function properly in life, but what about those times when you just _need_ one particular charm, yet no one ever told you what it was or how to use it?_

_With the help of our loyal readers__—that's you!_—_we've managed to gather a list of the top-ten charms you'll need as a witch, in class, work, or just everyday life. Maybe you know of these; maybe you don't, but whichever it is, we guarantee that you'll be using at least one of these charms every day after reading this article._

_Number 10: A Beauty Spell!_

_Yes, it sounds extremely shallow, but it's also more useful than you think; after all, haven't you ever had one of _those _days where your body is determined to make you look as unattractive as possible for absolutely no reason at all? A beauty spell won't make you perfect, of course, but it _will_ be able to show how beautiful you are, both on the inside and the outside. _

_After all, who wouldn't like to look like their best self every day with just a flick of the wand and a muttered incantation? _

—Retrieved from the Charms classroom, _Teen Witch_ Issue No. 229

o o o

_Sometimes, the girl you like just needs to see you in a better light. Maybe she thinks that you're arrogant or just plain annoying, but it isn't impossible to change with some help from your friends. Have your closest friends__—or not so close friends, for that matter__—bring up your good points while talking to her. She'll never look at you the same way again! __—Eliza W., Bath, England_

"At least this is one that fits you," Sirius comments. "Arrogant and annoying are definitely two things Evans has called you in the past twenty-four hours."

"Right?" James asks excitedly. "This will be perfect—oi! Was that an insult?"

"Good job on the pick-up, Potter," Marlene says dryly. "Maybe next you'll realize that the sky is blue."

"Anyway, all the four of you have to do is tell Lily about everything I'm good at, and she'll fall in love with me instantly, just like the article says. It's easy," James says.

"Wait, so we're your wingmen?" Remus asks. "No. I'm not going to make up some fake tragic backstory so Lily will see the good in you and decide to make out with you as a prize for your heroism."

"That's what a wingman is?" Peter asks. "I thought it was like a pilot or something."

"That's the _correct_ definition," Remus says, sighing. "Unfortunately, some prat decided to turn it into someone that helps his friend "win over" the girl who has absolutely no interest in the friend at all."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Marlene says, holding up a hand. "What's with all the male pronouns? Wingwoman here? Hello?"

"Fine, wingwoman, wingman," Remus says, rolling his eyes. "Let's call it wingperson and be done with it already. Look, the point is, wingmen don't and have never worked. Why do you expect that it will now, with a girl that has even less interest in you than the usual girl in these situations?"

"The backstory doesn't have to be _completely _fake," James protests. "Besides, you're just bringing up my many wonderful features to Lily. That isn't being a wingman. Being a wingman is flirting with her friend in order to leave her alone without her friend so I can flirt with her."

"If she didn't hate you so much, you would probably do that," Remus replies. "Also, I didn't understand you for about half a minute because of all those "hers". _Proper nouns_ are your friend, James."

"Grammar, schmammer, whatever," James says.

"Schmammer isn't a word."

"Come on," James says. "Each of you only have to go up to her once. It'll take five minutes, tops."

"All of us have to go up to her?" Peter asks. "What do we even say? Oh, by the way, I just thought you'd like to know that my friend James who you hate is actually a very nice and charming person?"

"Exactly!" James says. "See, Peter already knows how to do it.

"Are you insane, Potter?" Marlene asks. "What Pettigrew said sounds _terrible_. Yes, it may seem true in your tiny brain, but if he says that to Lily, she'll think you're more delusional than you already are."

"So do I say something like, Hi, I'm Sirius, or as you like to call me, Black, and my good friend James would like to say that he is a very brave person? In fact, he even saved me from great danger once while putting his life at risk?" Sirius asks.

"What danger?" Remus frowns, and Sirius winces at the thought that Remus probably thinks that it's a reference to the incident with Snivellus at the Willow (if he could ever undo _anything_ in his entire life, it would be that).

"That's still not very good, but anything's better than what Pettigrew said," Marlene replies.

"Oh! When I saved you from choking on that chicken yesterday?" James grins. "That was really brave, wasn't it?"

"I take that back," Marlene says. "It's officially a hundred times _worse_ than Pettigrew's example. Seriously? Giving the Heimlich maneuver requires bravery?"

"What's the Hammer maneuver? I just pounded on Sirius's back really hard, and he spit out the chicken. And it _was_ brave! His spit landed on me when the chicken came out. I almost died. It was _disgusting_."

"Thank you for that informative and clearly useless explanation," Marlene drawls. "Lupin. Let's hear yours."

"McKinnon, Lily's going to stop listening when I say "James" anyway. Why do I have to do this?"

"For our amusement. Go, Lupin."

"Lily. James wants to be your adoring and overly devoted boyfriend. Please say yes to his offer of going to Hogsmeade with him to save me from the pain and torture of having to partake in his ridiculous schemes." Remus drones.

"Fine," Marlene says. "Potter, you be as invisible as you can in the background while we say our made-up anecdotes and sing praises about your inability to brush your hair correctly. Now, let's go be wingpeople or whatever."

o o o

Peter is apparently up first, even though he protests repeatedly that he has no idea what he's doing. James seems to have taken the phrase "be invisible" to heart, as Sirius, Remus, Marlene, and James are hiding under James's invisibility cloak, which Sirius has come to realize really _has_ gotten too small to fit four people under (either that, or it's because Marlene takes up a lot more space than Peter does, since she insists on an arms-length distance between her and everyone else).

"Er, hello, Evans—I mean Lily—I mean Evans. Lily Evans. Hi."

"Pettigrew," Evans says, acknowledging him with a small nod before turning back to her huge and most likely extremely boring book.

"You know James, right?"

"Yes. I know the person who has been the most insufferable and arrogant person on the face of the earth for the past four years," she replies, still reading.

"She knows me!" James whispers excitedly.

"Potter, do you have the ability to close your ears whenever you want or something so you only hear the positive or just_ slightly_ insulting things people say?" Marlene asks.

"Right," Peter says. "Um, he's actually a good person."

"Really. Can you explain to me why he hexes people randomly on a daily basis?"

"Well, um, Peeves does that too," Peter replies.

"Peeves. Yes, Peeves and Potter are extremely similar. Potter is also a poltergeist with no known origin that floats around the castle wrecking havoc and terrorizing frightened First-Years."

"Well—I mean," Peter says, attempting to backtrack. "Actually, don't you think James has nice eyes?"

"Eyes?" Evans asks, looking up from her book, a confused expression on her face.

"Yeah! Eyes!" Peter replies excitedly. "They're all swirly and brown. And his teeth! Aren't they just so shiny and white? His teeth are like mirrors. Tiny mirrors."

"Teeth. Mirrors. Hooray."

"James is handsome too, right?" Peter asks.

"Pettigrew, are you trying to confess to me your undying love for Potter or something?" Evans asks, a smirk on her face.

"What? No! Not that there's anything _wrong_ with James or anything, I'm just not attracted to him. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be! I mean, I like Hestia. I like her a lot, and I don't like James. Not in that way. But you should!" Peter says quickly, flustered.

"Right."

After a few more uncomfortable moments, Peter decides to leave quickly, his face so red it looks like it's feverish, and Evans returns to her book.

The next one to go and attempt to persuade Evans that James is absolutely perfect and they would be even more perfect together is a disgruntled Remus, who has to be shoved out of the cloak by Marlene, causing the tall boy to knock over two tiny First-Years.

"Hi, Lily," he says, stumbling over his feet.

"Remus!" Evans says, closing her book.

"Um, what book are you reading?" Remus asks, looking as if he has no idea what he should be doing (a sentiment shared by Sirius as well).

"Oh! It's _Emma_, by Jane Austen," Evans explains. "It's an extremely famous Muggle novel—well, you know that, I'm sure—and it's actually quite interesting. It's much more humorous than her earlier novels, you see, even if I found Emma more than slightly annoying at first."

Evans continues talking to Remus about the book (which proves Sirius's earlier theory correct that it is extremely boring), and Remus actually seems to be absorbed in the conversation, nodding and adding his own input once in a while.

"He isn't doing what he's supposed to!" James says, fidgeting impatiently in the cloak. "He isn't complimenting me at all."

Finally, Remus seems to realize where he is. "Oh! I completely forgot what I came here for!" he exclaims, clapping his forehead in an over-exaggerated motion.

"Lily, you remember what happened with James a few days ago, right?" Remus asks.

"What? The time when he tried to give me a inedible scone, the time he gave me a puppy, or the time he decided to have Marlene be his fake girlfriend?"

Remus winces. "No, I mean that day when he was actually pretty nice to everyone, especially you? Remember?"

"And then he snapped and started ranting about hating everyone, especially Sev—Snape."

"But he was nice, right?" Remus presses on.

"Sure," Evans says, her eyes rolling back so far Sirius is pretty sure that all there are is the whites, causing her book to slip out from her hands and onto the floor. "Oh!"

"Here," Remus says, bending over and picking up the book. "What page were you on?"

"Um, Emma just insulted Miss Bates, I think," Evans replies.

"Insulting Miss Bates, got it," Remus says. "Chapter 43, I think?"

"Thank you, Remus," she replies, looking flustered, her long hair falling into her face. "I think I can find the page again."

"Um, so anyway, James is a real gentleman," Remus says, while tucking a piece of Evan's hair beneath her ear. "He's chivalrous and smart and—"

"He isn't a fan of Austen's works like you and I are, though," Evans interrupts—and is she actually batting her eyelashes at Remus? "And come on, Remus, Potter could never be as considerate as you are."

"That's it," James sighs, throwing his hands up in the air and almost causing the cloak to fall. "Remus is officially the worst wingman ever. Who goes to get the girl of his friend's dreams to fall in love with his friend, but end up actually getting the girl instead?"

"Every wingman that ever existed," Marlene replies. "Don't worry, though. Unlike the others, I doubt Lupin likes her as anything more than an incredibly dull conversation partner for Muggle literature and history."

Sure enough, Remus seems to have realized this quick turn of events. "Um, Lily, I think you might have the wrong idea," he says, backing away slowly. "I mean, you're just a friend. A really good friend, though! Like, a really, _really_ good one, but not one of those friends that reaches girlfriend status. But that doesn't mean you'll never reach girlfriend status! Maybe with James, though. Did I mention that James is really nice and a gentleman when he wants to be?"

Remus continues babbling for some more time, before finally stopping, and leaving a silence even more awkward than the one previously between Evans and Peter.

"Um, I'm just going to go now," Remus says. "I think. Really, though, James can be caring. And sweet. And—yeah, I'm going to go."

After Remus's disastrous attempt, James decides that Sirius, for whatever reason, should be the one to do damage control.

"He owes me at least four weeks of being my servant now," Sirius mutters under his breath as he walks over to Evans.

"Oi, Evans," he says, tapping her on her shoulder. "Evans. Evans."

"What do you want, Black?" she sighs, putting down her book again, this time folding over the corner as a temporary bookmark.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for Remus rejecting you," he replies, trying to sound as sincere as possible.

"No, no, it's fine," she says, sighing again. "I mean, I didn't honestly think that he would like me back, but it was just a small crush—well, not even that—anyways. Practically nonexistent. Also, it was an easy way for him to stop talking about how Potter is just so wonderful and perfect and charming. I should have tried it with Pettigrew before. Wait—you aren't here to do the same thing, right?"

"Um," Sirius says uncomfortably. "I mean, no! Definitely not! It isn't like I was planning to tell you about how James really likes animals and books and saved me from death by chicken once and can also do a Dionysus Dive perfectly. No. Ha. Ha."

"That's great, Black. Now, this probably sounds extremely rude, but can you please leave? I only have seven chapters left in _Emma_." Evans says, returning back to her book.

"Let me do this for you, Black," Marlene sighs, coming out of (literally) nowhere and pushing Sirius out of her path with _way_ too much force. "Lily, Potter likes you. He likes you a lot, and you don't have to worry about him trying anything with you, because his fantasies are of the two of you kissing passionately without any tongue whatsoever under the setting sun and then riding off on a unicorn into the Palace of Sugary Puke or whatever. Both of you are prudes, so you'll be perfect for each other. Kiss kiss, marry marry, be disgustingly happy forever."

"Really, Marlene?" Evans asks, raising her eyebrows. "You're doing this, too?"

"What? All I'm saying is that you two will be the best couple on earth because Potter cares way too much about completely unimportant things like five day anniversaries and stuff like that, will hex anyone who comes to close to you even if they're only looking for help with a Charms essay or something, and is stupidly in love with you despite the fact that ninety-nine percent of the things you've ever said to him are insults. If that's not your perfect man, I don't know _what_ is."

"Marlene, Black, I know what you're trying to do, and it isn't working. Now, like I said before, can you please just let me read in peace?"

"Sure," Marlene says. "Just remember, stupidly in love with you."

"Reading."

As Sirius walks away, though, he turns around, and sees Evans looking thoughtful, as if she's actually reconsidering the idea of James. Smiling, he lets himself be tugged away by Marlene, but not without filing the memory away in the back of his brain.

o o o

"You all officially fail at being wingpeople," James sighs dramatically. "Peter, you managed to make Lily think that you were in love with me; Remus, you almost made Lily fall in love with _you; _Sirius, I'm pretty sure Lily shut you down before you even started; and I don't even _want_ to know what you did, McKinnon."

"In other words, it's everything that has ever happened in history when a person tried to use a wingman or a wingperson," Remus replies. "You actually thought this would be a good idea?"

James chooses to ignore the question, as usual, instead sighing again and falling backwards onto his bed.

"Of course he thought it would be a good idea," Peter says. "James can't even stay awake in History of Magic when he needs to; you think that he would know the history of this instead?"

o o o

So, how was it? Feedback, review, favorite, follow? If you have any suggestions for a step in future chapters, please let me know by either leaving it in the reviews section or PMing me!


	12. Day 11: A Completely Platonic Not-Date

A/N: Truth: I am a failure at updating on time. At least the chapter's done now? Once again, any ideas for future chapters or steps in the plan can be submitted to me through PM or the reviews section. Anyway, enjoy!

QOTD: "Underneath this veneer of slightly crazy and mildly socially retarded, I'm a complete disaster." Yep, Cath, that describes me almost perfectly too.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the concept of friendly dates. If I did, I would get rid of the friendly part immediately and just keep the date (or at least in fanfiction, to get rid of all the angst over my OTP not getting together).

o o o

_**Five Must-Use Shops in Diagon Alley**_

_Yes, we all know the pains of buying supplies at the end of every summer to go back to Hogwarts. You get to see your friends, of course, and Diagon Alley itself is always magnificent, but the actual shopping is dreary and monotonous__—practically the same books and other supplies every year, whether you're eleven years old or sixteen__. All of that can be fixed, though, by going to these shops as well as those on your list._

_Shop No. 5: Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour_

_Who doesn't know about this gem? Ice cream is fatty and full of empty calories, of course, but this place almost makes it all worth it. Besides, it will do you a lot of good after all that walking from one end of the alley to the other. The wonderful flavours can't be ignored, either; you never think of your favorite drinks tasting good as ice cream before you try one of Florean's cones._

_—_Retrieved from the box of confiscated items in the staffroom, _Teen __Witch Issue No. 136_

o o o

_Most times, a girl won't date someone before she knows them as more than just a passing acquaintance. Toy with the idea of going to places with her "as friends"; ask her to Hogsmeade, but make sure to say that it isn't a date (even if you wish it was!). After a while, she just might start to develop feelings for you, and those "friendly dates" will turn into actual dates at Madame Puddifoot's in no time! __—Phoebe C., Birmingham, England_

"Evans won't even let you ask her what day it is," Sirius says. "How do you expect to ask her to go to Hogsmeade with you for the ten-thousandth time—which, by the way, is an offer she's rejected about ten-thousand and one times_—_and get her to say _yes_?"

"It's a _friendly_ date," James replies. "I've only asked her on _real_ dates so far."

"And how friendly will the date be when you show up with two hundred roses and a box of chocolates?" Remus asks. "Like Sirius mentioned before, there's no way she'll say yes in the first place. Even if it is just as friends, she's going to be expecting another one of your real offers, and she'll shoot you down immediately."

"Um, you could tell her that it won't be just the two of you, James," Peter says. "Like, maybe you can say that you're bringing a friend. Who isn't me. Yeah, not me. And tell her that she can bring a friend, too!"

"You aren't dragging me along on this one either, Potter," Marlene adds. "Just keep me and Pettigrew out of this thing, and you can bring along a friend or whatever to try to get Lily to date you as friends, which, by the way, is the most confusing thing I've ever heard now that I'm actually thinking about it."

"Put me on that list too," Remus says, raising a hand. "So, it looks like it's just you and James, then, Sirius?"

Sirius wonders if he can still pull out as well, but the look on James's face almost resembles Regulus's that time when Bellatrix had broken a toy of his with a possibly illegal spell that definitely shouldn't have been anywhere _near_ a barely-ten year old (and no matter how hard he tries, he knows that it's impossible to forget his little brother like the rest of his now practically nonexistent—at least, to him_—_and insane family).

"Fine," Sirius sighs. "You owe me approximately two months of servitude now, though."

"So, you'll do it?" James asks, a huge smile breaking out on his face.

"Sure. Just don't expect it to work, because it definitely won't."

"Yes!" James cries. "Now, how do I ask her on a date?"

"What, your usual, "Oi, Evans, go out with me?" isn't working anymore?" Marlene asks.

"It never has," Remus replies. "The last time he tried it, she slapped him."

"I'll have you know it works just fine," James grumbles. "What I need, though, is a vibe that gives off, like, I just want to be friends for now but not forever because more is better than less."

"Was that a metaphor or something?" Peter asks.

"I'm actually not sure, Pete," Remus says. "Anyway, just go up to Lily with Sirius and ask her if she wants to go do something with the both of you. I think it will be very clear that it isn't a date, since Sirius will probably make the entire conversation about his hair or something—no offense."

"Offense taken," Sirius replies. "The last conversation was about hair_ care_, just so you know."

"As it is, Sirius being there will make an awkward not-date, which is what I'm assuming you want, James," Remus says.

"Wouldn't letting Lily bring someone along make it a friendly date or something too?" Peter asks. "I mean, she'd probably choose Mary MacDonald anyway."

"Yes!" James exclaims. "Peter, you are a genius."

"Um, thanks," Peter replies, bewildered.

"If I tell Lily that she can bring as many people as she wants, she'll know that it's just a friendly gathering or whatever, and when she realizes her love for me, Sirius, you can distract MacDonald by kissing her or something. Then, me and Lily will be alone, and she'll gaze into my eyes and fall in love, which I will reciprocate by kissing her lightly but passionately, like a butterfly to the most beautiful flower." James explains.

"It's I, not me, and your fantasy is also highly improbable," Remus interjects.

"Eh," James says. "I, me, you, whatever. And it will work out. Trust me. So, Sirius, you lure away MacDonald and tell her that you like her, and then you'll kiss her—"

"Wait, what?" Sirius asks. "Are you making me into a kissing prostitute or something?"

"Of course not!" James answers. "You're only kissing MacDonald."

"So I'm a single-person prostitute that only kisses."

"I guess?" James tries.

Sirius rolls his eyes, but he knows that just like everything else before, there's no way of stopping James from doing this. He can only hope that MacDonald has even less interest in kissing him than he does in her.

"So that's settled," James declares. "Now, where do we find the fair maiden Lily?"

"Seeing as she's probably hiding from you and your tendency to be a stalker whenever you're closer than a mile to her, I'm guessing that she's holed up in the library reading about ways to avoid a possibly-insane admirer," Marlene says, flipping through a copy of_ Quidditch Weekly_ idly.

"The library it is!" James cries. "Let us go forth!"

"Um, James, why are you talking like someone from the Middle Ages?" Peter asks.

"He overdosed on a bottle of insanity," Remus responds dryly.

o o o

As it turns out, Evans _is_ actually in the library, but she's writing an essay instead of reading. When James clears his throat, she looks up with an annoyed, "What, Potter?"

"I was just wondering if you would—" James starts.

"No, Potter, for the thousandth and hopefully last time, I will not go with you to Hogsmeade," Evans says, crossing out a word with her quill and writing a new one down with a lot more force than is probably needed.

"That wasn't what I was going to ask!" James protests rather loudly, causing a glaring Madame Pince to angrily shush him.

"Oh?" Evans cocks an eyebrow, and keeps writing. "What were you going to ask, then?"

"I just noticed some hours ago that while I have been chasing you hopelessly for many years now, I never really took the time to get to know you as an actual person. To resolve that pressing issue, I believe that it would be in my best interest to go with you as casual acquaintances and only that to Hogsmeade, so we can look past our previous differences and begin a tentative yet lasting friendship.

As to not make you uncomfortable by our close distance and small numbers, I am bringing Sirius along with me, and you are also welcome to bring a close friend, whomever it may be. I hope you accept my offer," James says. For a few moments, Sirius is actually impressed by the speech, before he remembers that it is almost word-for-word what Remus told James to say on their way to the library.

"Oh," Evans says, a look of surprise on her face. "I suppose that would be alright, Potter. I'm bringing Mary along, though, and if you try anything—and that means _anything_—on me, I will personally get Marlene to disembowel you with a rusty knife in the middle of the night."

"Hey!" James cries. "McKinnon, I thought you were on my side!"

"Potter, you're a future member of Stalkers Anonymous, while Lily's actually my friend. I think it should be obvious whose side I'm on," Marlene replies.

"You're helping me, though," James points out.

"Only because I'm bored and I'd rather watch and laugh while the four of you fail at your scheme of the day than talk to Mary about what boy she's completely in love with this week," Marlene replies.

"So, what time and where are we meeting, Potter?" Evans asks, putting an end to the previous (and rather strange) conversation.

"Um—"

"Four, at the Three Broomsticks," Remus replies.

"Four, at the Three Broomsticks," James repeats.

"Right," Evans says slowly, looking back and forth from Remus and James. "By the way, I can bring more than one friend, right?"

"Sure," James says, and nods to Sirius, who groans silently. Apparently, his occupation of a single-person prostitute has been upgraded to that of an actual prostitute.

o o o

James insists on getting to the Three Broomsticks early, in order to get a good booth. Seeing as it is four in the afternoon, though, and it also isn't actually a Hogsmeade weekend, the inn is almost empty (save for an old man that seems to have fallen asleep at the bar). Thankfully, however, Madame Rosmerta chooses not to comment on the fact that Sirius and James really shouldn't be in Hogsmeade at all, and instead continues cleaning a dirty table.

Finally, the door to the inn opens, and James immediately jumps up, knocking over Sirius's Butterbeer as well.

"Lily!" James shouts. "MacDonald! McKinnon! Peter! Remu—Wait, what?"

Sure enough, Evans has apparently brought along Peter, Remus, and Marlene along as well as MacDonald. Suddenly, her question about how many people she could bring makes a lot more sense.

Peter looks disgruntled, Remus seems annoyed (which, in terms of his emotions, is extremely angry), Marlene looks as if she wants to disembowel someone but isn't sure if it should be Evans or James, MacDonald just looks confused, and Evans has a look on her face that Sirius can't exactly place, but almost seems smug.

"Hello, Potter," Evans says. "You don't mind that I brought so many people, right?"

"Er, no," James stammers. "Of course not. We just need, um, a bigger booth, and we'll be fine. Yeah."

"Great," she replies chipperly. "So, Butterbeers? I mean, I know we aren't supposed to even be here, but I should make the most of it while I can, right? Besides, that feeling of breaking or just bending the rules—well, it's almost exciting, you know?"

"Yeah," James says, but this time, his eyes are glazed over, and Sirius groans, recognizing the all-too-familiar _I am so in love right now _look.

Unfortunately for James, though, that's just about the only time Evans speaks to him directly throughout the entire platonic not-date. Instead, she talks to MacDonald and Remus about Ancient Runes or something, asks Peter about baking and the recipes he uses, converses about some book of the week with McKinnon, and even vents to Sirius about something that he can't quite catch but pretends to understand anyway.

By the end of the not-date, James is audibly disappointed, and doesn't even seem to brighten up when Evans says a goodbye to him, accidentally brushing against his arm slightly (which would usually cause a full-blown celebration), and then leaves with MacDonald (who is thankfully unkissed).

"Nothing happened," James says, seemingly in shock. "Nothing."

"Of course nothing happened," Remus replies. "Life isn't a romance novel for twelve year old witches, James. It was just a friendly outing—or maybe not even that."

"I guess," James says, sighing deeply and taking a large sip of his almost-empty Butterbeer.

"At least Sirius didn't have to be a kissing prostitute," Peter says, to which Sirius nods in deep agreement.

o o o

So, how was it? Please don't kill me for failing at updating. Once again, feedback, review, favorite, follow?


	13. Day 12: XOXO, Your Not-So Secret Admirer

A/N: I'm heading off to sleepaway camp, which means that I won't be able to write chapters during the week. Instead, I'm going to attempt to prewrite the chapters and then either post it myself or get someone else to do it if there's no WiFi available. Also, there are only three more chapters left (which is a good thing or a bad thing, depending how you look at it)! Anyway, happy reading!

Chapter Title: Day 12: XOXO, Your Not-So Secret Admirer

QOTD: "The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school." Possibly one of the best Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus opening lines ever, at least in my opinion (which probably isn't worth that much).

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the process of writing secret admirer notes. Probably because I'm not a brilliant female billionaire and I'm also not in fifth grade.

o o o

**_The_**_** Perfect Companion for You!**_

_Okay, we know__—you're already at Hogwarts, and you probably already have a toad, an owl, or a cat. Who says that you can't have another one, though (besides your Head of House and the Headmaster, of course)? This short quiz will tell you exactly what companion would fit your personality perfectly, though you really shouldn't get rid of your current one, no matter how much your cat Pandora insists on going through things that were meant to be private and ripping them up._

_Question No. 1: Do your friends think you're:_

_a) Sneaky and smart?_

_b) Wise and mysterious?_

_c) Steady and dependable?_

_d) Other. You don't have to fit into one or two personality traits, of_ _course._

—Retrieved from the Great Hall, _Teen Witch_ Issue No. 177

o o o

_Girls like a little mystery. Take a trip back to first-year and write her secret admirer notes signed with __things like_ xoxo, guess who? _and_ love, mystery man. _It_ _might_ _seem childish or even ridiculous, but she'll definitely think it's romantic, and afterwards, when_ _she__ finds out it's you, what's to keep her from finally liking you back? —Janet P., Kingston upon Hull, England_

"But Evans already knows you're in love with her," Sirius points out.

"So?" James replies. "I can pretend it's someone else writing the notes. I can even tell them what to put down and have them just write the notes. Ooh, Remus, you can do it!"

"No. She already thought I liked her before. Use Peter," Remus says.

"I'm not doing it," Peter says, putting up his hands. "Also, I don't think any of you can read my handwriting, so I'm pretty sure Evans wouldn't be able to either."

"I had to be part of the plan last time," Sirius adds. "It's you and Marlene this time, James."

"Wow," Marlene says, rolling her eyes. "So, trying to turn the tables, Black? Potter, you can't just use one person's handwriting. Lily already knows what mine looks like, she definitely knows Lupin's, she knows yours from all your creepy stalking, and I wouldn't be surprised if she knew Black and Pettigrew's either. The only way it'll work is if we put all our handwriting together—and all left-handed, too—so she won't have a clue who wrote it."

"That's actually not a bad idea, McKinnon," Remus says. "Let's only have the people who can write legibly left-handed do that, though. Everyone else should just write with their normal hand, but try to disguise their handwriting by making the letters different or whatever. Also, everyone should write one letter that looks like a blend of everyone else's handwriting in every word or something, so the handwriting doesn't change every three words."

"Huh," Marlene says, raising her eyebrows. "Sometimes, your ideas are half-decent, too."

"What a wonderful compliment," Remus replies. "Half-decent has always been the benchmark I've aimed for."

"Thank you."

For the next half hour, Sirius, Peter, and Remus attempt to find a mix of their handwritings, which proves to be harder than it sounds. Peter, for one, apparently only writes in capital letters (which makes McGonagall's frustration when reading his essays more understandable, and the fact that his handwriting is still somehow illegible confusing).

Remus has handwriting that is practically perfect, of course, but it's also practically invisible (Sirius is sure that the letters are barely a centimeter when measured).

"What?" Remus says defensively, when Sirius gives him a look. "It's better than Pete's, at least—no offense."

Peter shrugs. "My mum can't even read it, which is a good thing, I guess. I just don't know what would happen if I ever needed to write something really important and no one could tell what was on the paper."

"Anyway, Sirius, not everyone can have perfect Pureblood handwriting like you do," Remus says.

Sirius looks down smugly at his own pristine cursive (other than the knowledge of illegal spells, he's sure that this is the only good thing that came from being a member of The Highly Insane House of Black). He notices that the loops look especially good this time.

"So, how do we do this?" Peter asks. "The write one letter at a time thing probably isn't going to work for us."

"We just have to make up a completely different handwriting," Remus decides. "Something in-between, but not too confusing."

It takes another hour to finally get the best mix, which still isn't very good, but is at least ten times better than the first try (which had looked somewhat like this: H_e_L**Lo _I _a_m _**A _P**Er**So_n).

"Done," Remus announces. "Um, James, McKinnon, what have you been—erm, doing?"

Somehow, the two of them look to have gotten even less work down, though their area of the floor looks like a Hungarian Horntail used it as its new home.

"Potter, what part of "Come up with something you can put in the idiotic note to Lily" did you not understand?" Marlene shouts to a cowering James, who looks like he might actually die of fright.

"I did come up with something," he protests weakly. "I said that we should put that she's even more beautiful than the dew on the morning flowers."

"That would be more romantic if there were actually flowers, Potter!"

"Just put that no girl in the world compares to her or something like that," Remus says, scribbling out yet another attempt at a different kind of handwriting.

"It still isn't as good as the morning dew one, but it's pretty good," James says, cocking his head. "Use it."

"Way to not be a dictator, James," Remus says, rolling his eyes.

After the final handwriting is figured out, writing the note turns out to be easy enough, even if the "e"'s are still wonky and the "a" looks like an "o".

"Okay. _No girl in the world could ever compare to you. —xoxo, Your Secret Admirer_," Remus reads. "I'm pretty sure Lily will figure it out in the first five minutes, but it's legible and not that bad."

"Wait, so can we just do anything now?" Peter asks, his hand inching towards a bag of Gobstones.

"We still have seven more of these notes to go," James says. "We can't just do one!"

"You and McKinnon aren't exactly helping," Remus points out. "At this rate, writing seven more notes will take us seven more _hours_."

"Fine," James replies. "I'll help."

"I won't have anything to do besides laugh at the four of you for seven hours straight, and frankly, none of you are doing anything humiliating or even the slightest bit interesting right now, so I'll go with helping, too," Marlene says.

Luckily, with the added two people and the fact that they now have a standard handwriting to use, the writing of notes takes less time, and in about an hour, they have seven—eight in total—notes they can send to Evans.

"We're done!" James announces. "Now, all we have to do is send them to her—secretly."

Sirius groans, and wonders if he can still quit now.

o o o

The first note is given to Evans at lunch, with Peter quickly slipping it onto her plate as she walks with MacDonald into the hall.

Evans frowns when she sees the note, and James eagerly watches her reaction as she reads the possibly illegible and confusing note.

Finally, she puts down the note, shrugging, and returns to her debate about pets or something with MacDonald.

"It's working!" James hisses triumphantly.

"She barely even looked at the note, James," Remus says.

"Still! She read it, and she doesn't know who wrote it!"

"She's going to know soon, if you keep yelling your conversation," Marlene says, and James starts speaking in his idea of a whisper instead.

"It's working. You'll see, this step will go flawlessly," James yell-whispers.

The second note, given to her in the hallway by a confused second-year, goes about the same way, though she seems to have an easier time reading it than the first.

This time, she tucks the note into her books after reading it (which leads to James squealing very unmannishly the words "She's keeping it!"), but then promptly throws it out when she reaches a dustbin.

James has higher hopes for the third note, and slips it to her through an assembly line of at least ten people.

"Okay," James says, "I think this is the best one yet."

"The one about her hair?" Sirius asks.

"Everyone wants their hair to be compared to fire, right?"

"Not really, Potter," Marlene replies.

"Shh! She's opening it!" James says, shushing Marlene rather loudly.

"What's happening?" Peter asks. "I can't see anything."

"That's because nothing's happening," Remus replies.

Sure enough, Evans doesn't do anything with the note this time after reading it, and instead pretends that it doesn't exist until the end of class.

"Potter," Evans says right when class ends, walking up to James's seat. "Did you happen to write me three very confusing and obnoxious notes signed with _xoxo, Your Secret Admirer_?"

"Uh, why would I do that?" James says, but his face gives him away.

"First of all, Potter, you've made it very clear that you're in love with me or whatever, so I don't think there was really a need to write me notes stating the same subject over and over again."

"How did you figure it out? The handwriting was completely different," James says.

"Well, the fact that you had your name _written_ on one of the notes might have given you away," Evans replies. "Next time, please don't bother. I don't know what part of the idiotic plan you've come up with this time to get me to go with you to Hogsmeade this was, and I really don't want to know, either. Potter—just stop, okay?"

With those words, she leaves, and James is left stunned once again.

"She knows," James says, his mouth wide open. "She knows what we're doing."

"Well, not exactly," Remus replies. "She doesn't know that you got the plan from _Teen Witch_."

"No, she basically knows, Potter," Marlene says. "Well, Potter, you're screwed."

"You got through twelve steps, at least," Sirius says. "That's about eleven more than I thought you would."

"Wait, if she knows, does that mean we can all quit this plan right now?" Peter asks hopefully.

o o o

So, how was it? Feedback, review, favorite, follow? Once again, I'm heading off to camp, so there will either be one or two prewritten chapters heading your way.


	14. Day 13: A Flying Talent Show

A/N: So, this is the prewritten chapter, since I'm still at camp. Also, I'm sorry for the shortness of it; I didn't exactly have time to make it longer. Try and see if you can catch the Mary Poppins reference! Also, thank you, everyone, for your amazing reviews! Anyway, enjoy!

Chapter Title: A Flying Talent Show

QOTD: "Whoa. Scary Quinn." Wonderful observation of your girlfriend, Finn Hudson. It's a good thing that you remind me of an oblivious puppy, or else I really wouldn't love you as much.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Quidditch, or any other potentially dangerous sports. The only sport that requires me to be active that I'm actually good at is running/track, so I don't think I would be a very good Quidditch player.

o o o

**_What Would Your Hogwarts House Relationship Be Like?_**

_We know, we know—there are a lot more factors in a relationship than just being in the same—or different—house. However, that doesn't mean you can't predict what your relationship with a member of that house would be like! Through a survey and some educated guesses, we've put together an article that shows what your romantic relationship with a member of your house or a different house would be like._

_No. 1: Hufflepuff and Slytherin:_

_This is the one relationship that seems impossible, but is actually one of the most beautiful and romantic. Two houses that seem completely different and have contrasting qualities, but also have qualities that would fit together perfectly. Think of it—kindness and ambition together, the ability to be sneaky and the ability to be helpful as well. Watch out—a Hufflepuff-Slytherin relationship is a veritable powerhouse!_

_No. 2: Slytherin and Gryffindor:_

_Next to the Hufflepuff-Slytherin relationship, this is the most romantic and possibly forbidden. The life-long enemies, coming together to form a love for the ages. It's the real-life representation of the saying "there's a fine line between love and hate", and despite the possible disapproval from close friends, you can bet your wand that this relationship is practically perfect in every way._

—Retrieved from the Muggle Studies classroom, _Teen Witch_ Issue No. 268

o o o

_Show off your skills! Girls like people who have many talents, so try to tell her about yours—or better yet, even perform them for her! You might be afraid that you'll embarrass yourself, but trust me, not only will that _not_ happen, she'll be extremely impressed instead! —Rachel L., Liverpool, England_

"Let's see; you can't bake or cook, you can't draw, you can't lie convincingly either, and you can't sing or dance," Sirius says, ticking each one off on his fingers. "What talents do you even _have_?"

"He's obviously the best at being an idiot," Marlene snickers.

"McKinnon, can you just shut up for once?" Remus asks, sighing.

"What's the Muggle word?" Marlene sing-songs, a smirk on her face.

"_Please_," Remus adds, rolling his eyes.

"I meant _Aguamenti_, but I guess if you want to be all formal, that works too," Marlene shrugs.

"What? _Aguamenti_?" Remus says under his breath, shaking his head.

"I have _many_ talents," James says. "I can—"

"Wait, James, um, why are we still doing this?" Peter asks, interrupting James. "I mean, doesn't Evans already know about the plan? I thought she figured everything out yesterday."

"That doesn't mean we should quit," James replies. "James Potter does not, has never, and never will give up!"

"You gave up Arithmancy," Remus points out.

"You stopped trying to learn football when you realized that it didn't involve magic," Peter adds.

"You quit Muggle Studies, Potter, even I know that."

"Etiquette lessons."

"Calligraphy classes."

"Those piano lessons you told me about."

"Alchemy."

"You even quit brushing your hair about six years ago."

"Okay, okay, I get the point!" James says. "Besides, McKinnon, I didn't _quit_ Muggle Studies. I just took a break, and I'm still in the class, aren't I? And I couldn't _understand_ football. All Muggle sports are just plain confusing, and they would be a lot more interesting with magic. Anyway, we're going ahead with the plan. Also, Sirius, I do have talents. I play Quidditch, don't I?"

"Just one problem with that idea, Potter," Marlene says. "There's no Quidditch game today, tomorrow, or anytime in the near future."

"I can fly, can't I?" James says.

"Yes, because watching a person fly around in tiny circles two feet in the air is so interesting," Marlene replies.

"I'll _make_ it interesting," James decides. "How about I do a Wronski Feint? That would be really impressive, wouldn't it?"

"James, you're a Chaser," Remus says, staring at him. "You can catch Snitches, but only when you're tossing them from one hand to the other. How do you expect to dive about a hundred—over a hundred—feet downwards, catch a Snitch perfectly, and not die?"

"I can do it," James replies defiantly. "Just watch me."

"What color flowers would you like at your funeral, Potter?" Marlene asks. "I hear that red's very in season right now. And I know that someone's selling illegally bred Mandrakes in Hogsmeade. They'd make a nice addition to your wailing chorus of adoring fans."

"Fine, I know, I know," James sighs. "But throwing a ball into a hoop just isn't _interesting_ anymore."

"And yet people pay hundreds of Galleons to get the best seats at Quidditch games," Remus says under his breath.

"What about all of you help me play a full Quidditch game?" James muses. "The four of you can all play different positions, and I'll be the star chaser who does death-defying stunts."

"Because a game of two-on-three is _so_ intense," Marlene says.

"James, I just don't think this'll work out," Remus says. "Quidditch is and has always ben solely a team sport. I mean, I know that there are famous Quidditch players, but they only got that way because of their playing in a team, and frankly, we really don't have enough players. Unless you can do some incredible move that barely anyone has ever pulled off, you might as well toss this step in the bin as well."

"Wait, James, you can do a Dionysus Dive, right?" Peter asks.

"He can," Sirius remembers. "I mentioned it to Evans the other day when we were trying to get her to realize that James is obviously the most perfect and beautiful human being on earth."

"Yes, Pete, Sirius!" James exclaims. "I'll do that instead! See, McKinnon, Remus, it's all working out!"

"That's wonderful, Potter, but how will you get the pitch for yourself?" Marlene asks. "Aren't there teams practicing right now?"

"I don't think so," James replies. "I'm pretty sure it's pouring outside."

Sure enough, when Sirius looks out the window, he can barely see anything at all. The rain is pounding against the glass, and the sky is so dark that it almost looks like nighttime. He seriously doubts that even the craziest Quidditch captain would force their team to practice right now.

Unfortunately, James is more than just crazy, as proven by his still cheerful look. "Isn't it great? We'll be the only people out there!"

"Because you're _insane_," Remus says quietly.

"You expect to be able to do a Dionysus Dive in this weather, Potter?" Marlene asks, squinting in shock at James.

"Come on," James says, a smile still on his face. "If professional Quidditch players can play while there's thunder and lightning, I can do it too. Besides, it'll just prove to Lily that I'm dedicated enough to do any task, no matter how impossible it seems!"

o o o

James's statement is quickly proven wrong when they get outside, James in full Quidditch gear, carrying his prized Nimbus 1001, somehow practically oblivious to the buckets of rain drenching his head, and Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Marlene huddling under huge umbrellas.

"See!" James shouts above the roaring wind. "It's not that bad, is it?"

"James?" Peter calls, squinting through the thick rain. "Where are you? I can't see anything!"

Surprisingly, after about twenty minutes of blind fumbling, they actually manage to get onto the pitch, which, as James predicted, is completely empty.

"I don't think we should be here," Peter says nervously, fiddling with the handle of his umbrella. "I mean, you can't see anything, and I'm pretty sure I just heard thunder. Aren't you afraid of falling or something?"

"Come on, Pete, I'll be fine," James says, climbing onto his broom and quickly flying up into the air. "See? Perfectly fine—whoa!"

James flips upside down at least three times, and Peter screams, before James sits up straight again, and laughs loudly.

"James!" Peter screams again, although it seems to be out of anger instead of fear this time. "Don't do that!"

"Sorry, Pete. You should have seen your face, though!" James says, still laughing. "Anyway, I'm fine. McKinnon, can you go get Evans to come out here? Try to convince her that she needs to see this or something."

"I doubt she'd come outside in this weather," Marlene says. "I'll try, but I don't think she'd come even if I told her they were giving away free textbooks or something."

Marlene hurries away under her blue umbrella, looking glad to be getting away from the rain for a few minutes.

"Okay," James says, rubbing his hands together and shaking his now-wet but still somehow messy hair. "I can do this. Remus, do you have a Quaffle?"

"You're lucky I remembered for you. Here," Remus says, throwing it up to James.

James catches the Quaffle, and flies around in a few circles before quickly stopping again. "Okay," he says again, blowing out air. "Wait! I think I see Evans!"

"Oi! Oi, Evans!" James calls to the two girls hiding under the umbrella, puffing out his chest and doing what looks like a very bad impression of a peacock. "Evans! Come to see me fly?"

"Fail, more like!" Evans shouts back.

"Thanks!" James says, seemingly oblivious to the insult. "You won't regret coming here!"

"Are you going to do it or what?" Evans asks. "I'm not staying out here for five hours!"

"Okay!" James takes another deep breath, and accelerates his broom forward until he's about ten feet from the hoops, at which time he leaps off his broom—leading to fake gasps from Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Marlene, and a possibly fake but also possibly real one from Evans—and throws the Quaffle with all his force into the middle hoop.

"I did it!" James shouts. "Evans, look, look, I did it—AHHHH!"

Sirius watches in horror as James tumbles down through the air, screaming all the way, having apparently forgotten about the fact that he was not actually sitting safely on his broom. Finally, after falling for what seems like hours, he lands with a thump onto the grass, and Sirius, Remus, Peter, Marlene, and even Evans immediately rush over to James's fallen body.

"Is he alright?" Evans asks, her face worried. "I mean—that fall—"

"I don't know," Remus replies, his face grim. "We have to get him to Madame Pomfrey immediately. I guess we can only hope that his injuries are minor and not life-threatening."

Even Marlene is silent, the air free from her usual snarky comments.

"At least he proved that he really can do a Dionysus Dive," Peter says.

o o o

So, how was it? Feedback, review, favorite, follow? Yes, the slight parallel between Harry's fall in PoA and James's fall in this chapter is intentional (though the circumstances are certainly very different), and kudos to whoever noticed it!


	15. Day 14: No More Cheesy Speeches, Please

o o o

A/N: I'm really, REALLY sorry for being the worst updater in the world. I'm not even going to try to make an excuse, because there's no excuse for not updating until now. If I was with you, I would be giving you a plate of fifty "I'm so, _so_ sorry for not updating" cookies (if it helps, imagine them in your favorite flavor and with the best icing in the world if you like icing). I'm also really sorry for the cliffhanger I left you guys on the last time I updated, and also in advance for the horrible inspirational speeches you'll find in this chapter. If it helps (SPOILER ALERT), they all crash and burn. I'm going to be in China by tomorrow (yes, China), but that's not going to stop me from updating this time and I'll be back in about two days with an epilogue and some extras/scenes I couldn't manage to fit in the fic without completely messing it up. Also, I'm sorry for this really long author's note. Huh, a lot of apologizing today. Anyway, enjoy!

QOTD: "Harry Potter isn't real? Oh no! Wait, what do you mean by real? Maybe Harry Potter's real and you're not?" Yes, a really old quote, but one I love, and one I thank John Green for every day someone says a character can't exist somewhere out there.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, _horrible_ inspirational/cheesy speeches, or the saying "be yourself" (which, by the way, I actually really do like and believe in IRL (yay, internet acronyms!)).

o o o

**_Ten Magical Ways to Make Your Morning Routine Easier_**

_We know how hard it is to get up in the mornings for class, especially when you just can't be bothered to leave the comfort of your warm bed. Even after that struggle, you still have to do everything else—take a shower, get dressed, brush your teeth, and everything else as well. Through experimentation, though, we've discovered ten ways—all involving your trusty wand—to make those annoying mornings just a little better._

_No. 10: Magical Hair Cheats_

_We get it, hair looks better (or at least you think it does) when you actually do it yourself, but who says you can't cheat a little with magic? Just a few simple spells will turn your wild hair as straight as a pin and then give it a gentle curl as well. Forget those horrific Muggle curler things—these spells will work a lot better. To find out more about our hair cheats, keep reading this issue!_

—Retrieved from the desk of M. McGonagall, _Teen Witch_ Issue No. 135

o o o

_Just be yourself_. _Sometimes, a girl just wants someone who's honest about who they really are, and doesn't force themselves to change for the other person, no matter what the person seems to prefer. If you truly are your best self around her, there's no doubt that she'll fall in love with you. —Cathryn D., London, England_

"Wait, so after it's spent the past two weeks trying to convince you to change practically everything around you, it basically wants you to "just be yourself"?" Sirius asks, shaking his head slowly.

"Oh." James says, staring down at the magazine. "Um."

"That's not true," Remus points out. "The last step just tried to convince James that he was talented and then put him here in the infirmary."

"By the way, James, how much longer do you have to be in here?" Peter asks, glancing around the infirmary, which looks to be nearly empty save for a groaning Third-Year, Madam Pomfrey, who seems to be tending to the boy's imperceptible wounds, Sirius, James, Remus, Peter, and Marlene.

"Dunno. Pomfrey says I might have some weird Muggle thingy called a concussy—"

"Concussion," Remus corrects.

"—so she's keeping me here for observation or something because she "doesn't want to use additional remedies unless they're needed" or some rubbish like that."

"I'm still surprised that you didn't die, Potter," Marlene says. "Also, I thought that the only time Lily would ever show more than casual disdain for you would be when you're alone, have twenty kneazles and are slowly dying from stupidity."

"Glad to know you haven't lost your sense of humor, McKinnon," Remus sighs. "James, Madam Pomfrey's healed everything else already, right?"

"Think so," James replies. "She also gave me a lecture on not flying outside when it's pouring rain, and told me that I shouldn't do it again unless I'm "prepared for the consequences" or something. I think I fell asleep in the middle of it."

"Wonderful, James," Remus says, rolling his eyes. "Going back to our other topic, I think this "step" is just more proof of how _Teen Witch_ was created solely to rip-off teenage girls who think that a trashy teen magazine will give them everything they ever wanted in life."

"As long as you don't feel too strongly about it," Sirius snickers.

"I just don't understand it," James says. "How can they give me so many great steps and then hit me with this?"

"Actually, James, I think this might be the best step so far," Peter says. "I mean, it's a lot better than what you forced all of us to try before."

"Wait, maybe I read it wrong," James continues. "It's probably something else. It has to be."

Sirius watches as James frantically flips through the magazine, looking for another extremely idiotic step. Finally, after about two minutes straight of searching, he slams the magazine down on the floor.

"I just don't understand it," James repeats. "I mean, I've always been myself with Lily. Haven't I? And telling someone to just "be themselves" is the most cliche and worst advice ever. No one gets a girlfriend or a boyfriend by being _themselves_!"

"Actually, Potter, a lot of people do," Marlene says. "But I don't think I've heard of a person who's gotten a significant other by doing exactly what they usually wouldn't."

"Fine," James replies. "But I've always been exactly myself with Lily, and she still rejected me! So what do I do now?"

"James, have you ever really been yourself around Lily?" Remus asks. "I mean, just these past two weeks, you've done a series of increasingly insane things that the James I know usually wouldn't ever do."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure we did all of that during the last summer," Sirius says. "Just in a stranger way."

"Yes, well," Remus says, rolling his eyes once again. "James, maybe you should really try being yourself with Lily just this once."

"Yeah," Peter says. "Even if it's just because you want to finish all the steps."

"That's horrible advice," Marlene says. "Potter, what you should do is put on loads of clown makeup and act out a scene from _Hamlet _for Lily. She'd love that."

"No, McKinnon," Remus sighs. "Besides, even you said that people can actually find love by being themselves."

"Definitely not that mushily, but sure," Marlene replies.

"James, just try," Remus continues. "Be yourself with Lily today. Just do it. We all know you can."

"I'm not sure if he can—" Sirius starts, the smirk on his face growing wider.

"No, Sirius. James, you can do it. Be yourself with Lily. Show her just how great you can be. Show her how funny, kind, and amazing you are. You can do it." Remus says.

"Wonderfully inspirational, Lupin," Marlene says, with a roll of her eyes almost good enough to rival Remus's.

James seems to ignore her, though, and actually looks to be thinking about Remus's words. Finally, after about a minute of him furrowing his brow and tilting his head from side to side, he nods.

"I'll do it," James declares. "I can do it, and I _will_ do it. Today is the day that I will be myself with my one and only love, Lily Natalia Evans—"

"Is that her actual middle name?" Peter asks.

"—And by being myself, she will finally realize how great I really am and the magnitude of my never-dying love for her. For her, I will be myself, without any jokes or pranks or silly attempts to ask her to Hogsmeade in the way. I will be myself. I will." James finishes this extremely cheesy speech with an even cheesier smile that makes Sirius question if he is stuck in some horrible parallel universe where cheesiness is the savior of the world.

"You've managed to successfully make an even more gag-worthy speech than Lupin. Congratulations," Marlene says.

"I'm going to do it now," James says. "I'm going to. Just watch me."

"When are you going to do it, Potter? Now or in two million years?" Marlene asks.

"Now," James replies, his eyes staring straight ahead at a spot on the wall that looks exactly like the spot next to it. "I'm doing it now!"

Out of nowhere, James springs out of his bed, and promptly lands with a groan face-down on the floor.

"Mr. Potter!" Madam Pomfrey says, hurrying over to James. "I told you not to get up from the bed yet!"

"Oops," James says, clutching his head. "Must have missed that part."

o o o

After Madam Pomfrey clears James and reprimands him once again for flying outside in horrible weather and also for deciding to get out of bed rest without express permission, what were you thinking Mr. Potter?, James immediately returns to his plan to "be himself".

"You know, Potter, most people don't decide to be themselves, since they usually already _are_ themselves," Marlene says dryly.

"I am myself," James replies. "Just apparently not around Lily. Okay, so all I have to do is showcase how amazing I am, right?"

"No, James," Remus says. "You're missing the point. Just be yourself. It's that easy."

"So I'll be myself. Okay, I can do this. I can."

"Um, James, I think you've said that already," Peter says.

"Yeah. Yeah, I know," James says, rubbing his hands together. "Okay. I'm going to stop stalling now. I'm going to really do it."

"POTTER, GO DO IT ALREADY!" Marlene shouts. "COME ON, STOP TALKING AND JUST BE YOURSELF, DAMN IT!"

"I am!" James screams back, startling a nearby Lily Evans, who looks warily at him.

"Oh, um, hi Lily!" James says, attempting to regain his composure.

"Potter, this really isn't another horrible scheme to get me to go out with you or something that will potentially get you killed, is it?" Evans asks, cocking an eyebrow.

"No, it actually isn't," James says. "I've decided to be myself today."

"That _really_ doesn't say good things about your personality," she replies.

"I mean, I'm going to be more of myself today! The me you don't see! I mean—will you go to Hogsmeade with me?" James blurts out.

Marlene slaps her forehead, and Peter groans.

"And things were actually pretty going well," Remus whispers.

"No they weren't," Marlene replies. "But they did just get worse."

Surprisingly, though, this time Evans doesn't actually look murderous.

"Potter, do you realize that I'm never going to say yes to that?" she asks.

"Yes," James replies glumly.

"Potter, you know what I've realized these past two weeks?"

"What?"

"You're an idiot," she says. "An idiot who thinks that idiotic plans and horrible stunts that could easily kill you will get me to go out with you. And for that, I give you this."

"Huh?" Before James can get out another word, though, Evans surprisingly wraps her arms around James and—oh. They're hugging. Or rather, she's hugging him while James stands motionless, seemingly blindsided.

"Potter, I'm never going to go out with you. Ever. But I think—_if_ you stop being _so_ idiotic—we can be friends." With those words, she removes her arms from his body and walks away quickly, leaving behind a James who looks to be unknowingly hugging himself, as if Evans's touch is still there.

"Whoa." James breathes, still not moving.

"You're never washing that shirt again, are you," Peter says, sighing.

o o o

So, how was it? Feedback, review, favorite, follow? I apologize HUGELY for my horrible updating and hope that at least some of you are still reading. I'll be back in about two days (I promise) with an epilogue and some extras too!


	16. Epilogue: Day 15

o o o

A/N: Well, the epilogue was late, as usual, and I'm sorry for the short length of it. Anyway, here it is! Before it, though, I just want to thank all of you for sticking with me throughout this entire fanfic, and I give extra thanks to all those who took the time to review/give feedback, favorite, and/or follow this fic. There will be extras up in a few days, and once again, thank you!

QOTD: "And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." The Perks of Being a Wallflower will always be one of my favorite books, and I also thought that this quote just fits my feelings about this chapter, but that could just be me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I own the half-eaten packet of Pocky on the table, though. Sort of.

o o o

**_Teen Witch, Was That an Apology I Heard?_**

_The famed (or, to be_ more_ accurate, infamous) magazine, _Teen Witch_, in response to the backlash over one of its most controversial articles so far, "Fourteen Sure-Fire Ways to Get the Girl", has included a page-long apology letter in the newest issue, along with a live statement on the WWN yesterday._

_"We are extremely sorry for any and all harm caused by the article," stated a representative for the magazine. "We hope that this will not cause anyone to abandon _Teen Witch_ or _Witch Weekly_ altogether. We will take all measures possible to ensure that an incident like this will not happen again." _

_While the statement was not exactly what many were hoping for, to say the least, _Teen Witch_ has indeed taken down the offending article in a reprint released alongside the newest issue. The new issue also includes an apology letter that is much more comprehensive and well-written than the statement, which gives a lengthy explanation for the print and retraction of the article._

_As for me, I can only say that my daughter unfortunately has only grown to adore the magazine more, as she believes the apology whole-heartedly and has also attempted to convince me to fall in love with Teen Witch as well. _

—Retrieved from the Hogwarts Library, _The Daily Prophet_, Opinion Section

o o o

_Dear _Teen Witch_ Readers_,

_We at _Teen Witch_ are extremely sorry for the article in the last issue, "Fourteen Sure-Fire Ways to Get the Girl". As a whole, we have also decided to remove the "For Men's Eyes Only" column, in order__ to make sure this does not happen again... —_Teen Witch_ Staff, London, England_

"They do sound pretty sorry about it," Sirius says, after Remus finally stops reading from the newest issue of_ Teen Witch_ (stolen by Marlene from Mary MacDonald). "I think I counted at least twenty separate apologies in the first paragraph alone."

"James, do you believe everything I said about _Teen Witch_ being unreliable now?" Remus asks.

_"I _got the girl, though," James replies. "Shouldn't _that_ say something?"

"Actually, Potter, you really didn't," Marlene says. "Lily said that she wanted to be friends with you, not grossly romantic cuddle-buddies. Also, I think that just the words "got the girl" will make her slap you in the spot."

"She hugged me," James says. "She _hugged_ me."

"She's also hugged Snape," Marlene replies. "Many, many times."

"Regardless of that—" James starts.

"We're done with the plan, right?" Peter interrupts.

"Unless Potter decides to make up his own idiotic step, involving illegal potions and dragons or something, yes," Marlene replies. "Also, Potter, no matter what you say, for once, I actually agree with Lupin. _Teen Witch_ has not, is not, and will never be a good source of advice."

"Well, I'm counting this as a success," James decides. "Trust me, one day, when we're old and married for a hundred years, Lily will say that this plan is what made her fall in love with me for the first time."

"Wonderfully realistic, James," Remus sighs. "Anyway, you can say that this was a success, but just don't expect the rest of us to agree with you."

"It was a success," James insists. "It was even more of a success than when that Muggle ruler Napoley took over the world."

"Um, James, I don't actually think Napoleon got to take over the—" Peter says, before Marlene shushes him.

"I want to see his face when he realizes what Waterloo is," Marlene says.

"James, we're done with _this_ plan forever, right?" Peter asks again.

"I guess we are," James says. "I think it was a pretty good one, though, right?"

"No," Sirius, Remus, Peter and Marlene say in unison.

"By the way, James, you also owe me your servitude for the next, oh, about three months?" Sirius adds.

"What?" James says. "I never agreed to that!"

"Actually, James, you did," Sirius replies. "I specifically remember you saying that it was fine for you to do everything from bringing me food from the kitchens to taking the blame for things I did for the rest of the year, in exchange for me helping you with this plan about fourteen or fifteen days ago."

"Bu-but," James stammers, before seemingly giving up, and settling for an "I hate you." instead.

"Well, so we're finally done," Remus sighs.

"Yes, Lupin, we've confirmed that already," Marlene says, but there seems to be less snap to her words than usual.

"This was kind of fun," Peter says. "I mean, we got to do a lot of stuff in just two weeks."

"You mean, we got to see James fail at something every day," Sirius snickers.

"Shut up," James says.

"We're never doing anything like this again, though, right?" Peter asks.

"Yes, we are," James replies, but his voice is drowned out by the furious "No!"s from everyone else.

o o o

So, how was this epilogue? Feedback, review, favorite, follow? Thank you, and extras for this fic will be up soon!


End file.
